What Thanks Do I Get?

This will not be one of those "what am I grateful for" Thanksgiving commentaries. I avoided this article specifically for the day after for that reason. I am grateful, certainly. I feel so gifted by God it is unbelievable. I have more than I asked for and more than I deserve. If you don't feel that way then nothing I write is going to change that so I spared myself the typing energy.

I wanted to focus the event of receiving thanks from someone. I wanted to spend some time on what it feels like to hear "thanks". Getting a "Thank You" can be a great experience. It can also be an emotional one. I guess it depends on what I am being thanked for that generates a given emotion. An unexpected acknowledgement of a job well done or a thoughtful gesture makes me smile sheepishly and makes me feel a little embarrassed as well. I used to spend time creating explanations for why I did what I did or dressing down a compliment because I didn't feel worthy of the nice comment. I felt awkward. I probably even felt like I was being humble in countering with a reason why there was no need for attention. One day, my grandmother had heard me do this one too many times. In response to watching my behavior when receiving a compliment she curtly exclaimed "just say 'Thank You', Brittany". Then I really was embarrassed and for the right reasons. No one wants to hear why you don't think what they should have complimented you or thanked your for something. Dumbing down what they considered worth mentioning is like telling them they are wrong. I didn't realize that until my grandmother pointed that out. Thanks, Betty!

I have also had my moments where I expected a "Thank You" and didn't get it. I used to stew in those moments. Aren't they just ungrateful? I would also label the offenders as selfish or entitled. I happened to mention this to a friend one day. This man is a very wise presence in my life. I actually call him 'Yoda' for that reason. He isn't afraid to point out where I am misguided. He listened to me and asked me what my motive was for doing what ever it was that I did that I thought should have elicited some praise. What was my motive? Well, I wanted to either do something nice, or I thought I should have done something out of charity or duty. After waiting for my reply he retorted. "If you did what you did for purely selfish reasons then why do you feel bad about not getting something in return"? Ouch! That stung but he was right. Why did I think I deserved something in return if I thought I should be doing what I was doing? If I knew ahead of time that I would not get what I perceived to be the proper response, would I have withheld action? No, of course not. I had no reason to go away sore for not getting my just desserts if I wanted to do what needed doing. I then set out doing matters of charity anonymously on purpose. I did things in such a way that would ensure I couldn't be thanked. You know what? It was very freeing. It became a game. What good could I do for others without their knowing? The first time I heard someone tell me the wonderful or helpful thing someone did for them and how much they appreciated it without them knowing I was the giver was elating. That is the trick, to feel the gratitude without blurting out "it was me"! That way, it stays selfless. Give it a try, you'll see what I mean.

I have had the awesome experience of doing something completely unimaginable in terms of helping a wonderful family with a pain in their lives that they could not solve alone. I was able to help fulfill an answer to prayer. There is no way I can describe what it feels like to have someone tearfully say "Thank You" when you know those two words couldn't possibly cover the emotions behind it. I was speechless to say "You're welcome" because that didn't even come close to an appropriate response. In this case, I'd like to think our souls just do the talking for us when language can't cover it. I pray that one time in your life, you'll be able to have that experience. It is a definite game changer in how you will go on about your living after that. I promise. Want to know what it was? Forget it, I'm not saying.

What of giving thanks? Well, I thank everyone who helps me. It cultivates the feeling of gratitude in my heart. The cashier, the mailman, the person who opens the door for me as an act of courtesy, the person who let's me into the lane I should have been in when I am late to the trigger in figuring that out. I thank everyone I can. I look them in the face, smile and say it. I want my daughter to see me doing it. I want others to see me doing it and to see the response the hearer has. I think thanking is contagious just like hiccups and smiling. I thank everyone who reads my work. I cry when I get heartfelt emails saying they can relate and telling me how much they enjoy my writing. Whether or not you realize, I keep doing what I do because of you. If not for the "thanks" I might have gone back to being in Business. You never know who you'll impact or how just by two simple words that take no effort at all.

Anchors Away!

I have a lot to say about Encouragers and the wonderful affects they have on the lives of the people around them. I do spend a lot of time with my friends and family that cheer me on. Who shouldn't? They make you feel great and better for knowing them. As a matter of record, I seem to distance myself from those that don't leave me wanting more of their presence.
I had a reader ask me about their counterparts. These are the people that seem to leave us drained and tired. What do I have to say about them? Have I had any experience with them? Sure I have! I call them Anchors.

Anchors, bless their hearts, are a different entity. We all have them around us. Sometimes they are family members, sometimes coworkers. Many of us have at least one friend who is an Anchor. We love them. What we don't love is the barrier they put between themselves and others. You can't see this barrier but you sure can feel it. I know I often get a low level headache as soon as they start bellyaching. These are the ones that seem to always have a problem, a situation, or anything that requires a lot of time for you to listen. Sure, I've given it my best shot to try to help. I have listened intently, taking in the details. I have done this because I instinctively want to encourage or to offer a solution or perhaps something I have done in a similar situation that had yielded positive results. Take it from me, they don't want to hear it. I've tried too many times and left feeling depleted of energy.

So what is with Anchors anyway? Do they know they have this skill? They don't. I call them Anchors because they weigh us down. You don't feel lighter and happier for having time spent with them. They themselves are heavier from their burdens. Whether these are real or imaginary, big or little issues is irrelevant. They need to share them. They want to take the weight off by having you listen. Who could blame them? If you feel as bad as you do at the end of another session with an Anchor, you can imagine how they feel living with it every day. Anchors don't see solutions. Why that is I just don't know. You'd thing they'd want help with all the reaching out that they do. Try as you might, an Anchor is likely to come back at your loving guidance with a reason why your solution or suggestion doesn't work. I stopped trying.

What does an Anchor want? Mostly, they just want a listener. If you can, just indulge them. I let them go on, offer an ear and tell them I don't have an answer to their problem. This takes the load off of me to be the hero, the savior with the answers. They get to drop the off their cares and my lack of offering anything lets me off the hook not to pick them up.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on and we have friends who are willing to let us. They let us whine, cry and offer us tissues. We feel better and they get to share in our pain. There is nothing wrong with that. What else is a friend for? I am talking about the one who is always asking us to be there, who never has anything positive to say. They are the ones who when you need a caring ear will almost immediately change the subject to their own problems. They have almost a talent for it. No one wants to be "one upped" on their life's pains. They don't get it. It's okay. They aren't going to either. Pointing out to an Anchor that they are an Anchor is a friendship ending conversation. You have to decide on whether or not you want that to happen before you take a position like that.

Anchors need love too but how much of your time and attention you want to spend on them is up to you. I do find myself spending less time with them than others. I can withstand chronic complaining for only so long. When I feel my patience wearing thin, I take a break from them. That way I can still be there and not do any damage for having overdone it with an Anchor.
Handle an Anchor carefully. They are that way for a reason. They have a lot of emotional baggage. You aren't going to fix that. Find a place of sympathy in your heart for them. They are sick people, they just don't know it. If you carry an Anchor too long without putting them don't you are likely to drop them and usually right on your foot.

Dispelling the Demons

I consider myself a relatively confident person. Sure, I had my insecurities in teenage years and early adulthood but I thought I was well passed that stage until recently. The last year and a half have been trying for me. Major life changes have left me a bit weary and pondering the future. I weathered them well or better than I expected and I am grateful to say that. However, there were scars and I have recently acknowledged them.

This period of time has definitely had its positives. I was isolated enough from friends and family so I could get my head around my past and what I would like my future to look like. Much time was given to prayer and contemplation, even dreaming of the next chapter in life. There was also a lot of mourning and tears. Truth be told, I suppose I had a few too many counseling sessions with Dr. Haagen Daz. In short, I gained a bit of weight. In fact, I needed to lose a good fifteen pounds before I gained this weight so the effects have been a bit disappointing to look at in the mirror.

I have taken some positive steps. I have a diet plan that I have been following well and I joined a gym and have been faithful to go and follow a workout schedule. The momentum is there and so is the motivation. Still, especially when I am in the gym with lots of full-length mirrors, I catch glimpses of my new body and I don't like what I see. I don't like it at all. It is tough to not look too long. When I find myself lingering in the mirror I turn away and go on to something else but there are demons. Demons are those little voices that discourage you. At times mine spend a lot of time talking to me. It all depends on if I want to listen or not as I have come to understand. It seems when I give ear to my demons, even just a little, they decide to pull up a chair next to my mind's ear and go on talking even when I don't want to. Or do I?

I have long said that we have to invite negative thoughts to participate in our lives. We have to listen in order to hear those voices that say "It's not that you've failed, it's that you are a failure". Intellectually I can tell myself that isn't true but when I invite the demons to go on with their reasoning for why I am a failure they are all to happy to give examples. They even bring up other failures, even if they are not related, to back up their story.

I don't want to listen any more. I have had a taste of what it was like to be a teenager again and rate myself according to my inner voice and I am firing my demons. They don't own me. They don't tell me the truth. They want me to be sad and give up. Then they win. When I feel this way, I talk to those who build me up and encourage me. They tell me to go on when the demons want to beat me up. They tell me I am great when the demons tell me I am a fraud. I know who my encouragers are. I keep mental note of those that seem to make me feel good just by a word, or a chat over coffee. Most of my encouragers openly share that they pray for me. They make it a point to check in with me either by phone or email and just see how I am doing. With encouragers in my life, I can move on quickly. Thankfully, there is another inner voice that reminds me of what my encouragers say when the demons want to speak to me more often than not. I am so glad that I have learned that. It took training. It took a conscious effort to do but I learned to do it purposefully and regularly until it was automatic. Sometimes my training needs a refresher. I really don't like being my own "Debby Downer".

Do you have encouragers in your life? Who are they? Make a list, check it twice. Even better to be an encourager. It makes you feel terrific. I make a habit of smiling at others, asking how a cashier's day is going in the grocery store or telling toll booth operators to "have a nice day". Think of it, trying to cheerful will actually make you cheery. I love that. It takes more muscles to frown than smiling and frowning too long will give you a headache.