Today Is The First Day, Etc.

I've always been envious of those who "loved their job". I used to love what I do. Sales and Business were my passions in life and it started 10 years ago when I saw a woman walking down a busy Financial District street on a rare sunny day in San Francisco. I was an assistant for a successful account executive at an international technology company. I was awkward and unsure of myself when he told me my job was to "just answer the phone and take care of his customers". I'd never had an office job, much less sit at a desk 8 hours a day. I was sent on an errand to deliver something for him when this woman approached. A petite and slender blonde. Smartly tailored dark suit and hair neatly pinned in a chignon. She was bantering confidently on her cell phone to whomever was on the other line, brief case swinging as she walked. It was sort of love at first site. I wanted to be "her". Hard work and determination, a lot of sweat and tears got me what I wanted. Senior Account Executive at my boss' company.

I couldn't want any more as far as I was concerned. I didn't go away for the weekend, I flew there. Shopping meant I could have what I wanted and the price tag never met my eyes. Just hand me the receipt to sign. My friends were successful. We entertained ourselves with whatever whim we came up with. Life was good and I never wanted to see the end of it. Despite market crashes, bubbles bursting and planes crashing into landmarks, I still managed to do well just not like what I had before. It was like chasing a high. What could be better than this?

"I'm pregnant", I said to my husband. I was beaming with a smile so big I could hardly fit it on my face. I couldn't believe I was given such a precious opportunity. When Carli Jane Hudson was born on a fall evening, I knew I had something better than I'd earned. I had her. She was a free gift, a treasure and I wanted to care for it. I wanted to covet her. My career was my least concern, I wanted out but life had other plans for me.

"He has Congestive Heart Failure" is what I heard out of my husband's cardiologist as I bounced my 6 month-old treasure on my knee in a cramped exam room. The walls and the ceiling closed in as I focused on his face. A slight man with round glasses and dark, bushy hair jutting out of the sides of a balding head. Greg's condition was serious. I knew that. I had dreams of being home with my beautiful baby girl but that was shattered when likelihood of Greg's fate became a realization when tests, medications and insurance denials failed to help him get better. I continued to pursue my old "dream" with a heavy heart.

Two years later, Greg passed away. He died happy, in the woods of Maine with two close friends and having a great time of fishing and boating. I am sure it was a good day to die. He was trying to call me, walking his friend's dog along a wooded path when God took him home. Devastated by the reality that I was alone to raise my daughter and my toddler was without her father, I tried to rally. I gave it my honest effort to regain that fire I had when I first pursued business. To be focused, driven, the example for all like I had been before. Instead I was diminished, heart-broken for my baby and missing her implicitly. I needed her as much as she needed me. Maybe I more so than she. The weight of the regimen, the pain of being mother and business woman and doing neither as well as I could, finally gave birth to an idea to tell my story.

Finally, I am home. I am hoping to say "I love my new job". I need new business cards. The ones that say Freelance Writer. So begins my adventure with Carli. Stay tuned...