The Art of Discouragement

It's an amazing and fragile thing, the human ego. We verbalize that we need encouragement, await kind words that let us know that something we are doing measures up with our family and our peers. Encouragement from a perfect stranger seems to be even more welcome because they really have no stake in bringing words of approval, like maybe our mom would. Giving encouragement to another is like speaking life into their dreams especially if one is taking on something new. There will always be that small voice in the back of our minds, whispering in our ear that we can't do what we set out to or that we are not good enough. It's just a fact of life. It is amazing how attentive it is to what others say to us if we don't know how to manage it.

I started noticing an interesting phenomenon with myself over the last 5 years or so. I started paying attention to how I reacted to what people said and situations in which others would speak "words of wisdom" to me, particularly discouragement. Why I honed in on discouragement is easy. It stands out because while you may be encouraged far more than discouraged, negative comments seem to have far more weight and a bigger effect on your outlook on things. Close your eyes and think of something that you were working on, something you were proud of. Maybe you were making a career change or trying something new. Perhaps you started a new business venture. Think about how excited you were. You wanted to tell everyone what it was that you were working on. It was special to you. I want you to think of a time when someone said words to you about that dream you had that were damaging. Maybe they told you "that business is hard to break into" or "I knew a friend or had a brother who did that, it didn't work out". Ponder the feelings that were attached to hearing those words. Chances are you will feel them quite readily. You probably recalled them more than once and possibly the same words when you took on another challenge. Now think about all the people that encouraged you along the way in your venture. What did they say? Can you think of more than one? How do those feelings resonate. Not the same I am sure.

The way discouragement effects us is something of an art. Why is it that hundreds of people can give us hugs, smiles, life-giving words, help us realize our dreams, listen intently while we talk about something important, all those people that want us to feel good about ourselves and yet one person can say one thing that could completely change our outlook on the outcome of our goals. One person? Yes, one person. One person can get us thinking and recalculating our plan in an instant. Reverifying our plans to make sure we hadn't missed anything based on their observations or negative experiences seems in order as we think about what they said. We will repeat those words back to those that have always encouraged us and they will say "don't pay attention to them" but we do. A discouraging remark from a second person can send us doubting our abilities. What about the others who have been standing by us, bringing us along with their support? What about them? Doesn't what they say and do for us matter?

Here is where my analysis comes in. I started paying attention to the people that would say things to me when I would speak of my dreams or what I projects I had been working on. I began to slow down the conversation in my mind, not react and try to gain some perspective as to why they would say the things they would say. One recent exchange was a stranger that I met at a party on the beach. Since I don't know a lot of people where I am currently living, when people meet me they usually have a lot of questions such as where I am from, what my marital status is and what I do for work. I was speaking with one woman about my career change from Sales professional to writer and the first book that I have been working on. A man that had been walking by to the food table stopped and stood behind my listener as I was telling her about the context of the book, what my plans were for its completion and how far along I was. As we were conversing, the stranger interjected. Barreling himself into the conversation unannounced, my listener spun around to see who was talking. He began with the statement that his brother had written a book and he had no success in getting it published. He continued to say that I shouldn't count on my book being a success since I was a new writer. It is just too hard to debut a book from an author no one has heard of. He wrapped up his expert advice to me by saying he was just trying to help me be realistic with my plans. With those words, he walked away. Why on earth would someone want to do that to a person they had never even met before? What benefited him in bringing his brothers experience to my attention and then following it up as proof that my dreams would folly? There can be lots of reasons why his brother's book was not a success. Content, context, writing style, timing and type of publisher can all be the make or break of a new book. It may have been that his brother only approached one publisher or that he might not have sought the help he could have used to get his manuscript read by the right people. I'll never know but someone's bad experience doesn't mean everyone else's dreams are doomed to fail. The problem is, I think about what he said a lot. Thankfully I can dismiss it when it comes to mind but it is looming in the back of my brain somewhere, pricking at my optimism.
People with negative outlooks on life usually tend to cause a lot of their own failure. They are easily turned away from what they pursue because they are always looking for evidence that what they are doing is going to fail. They tend to almost overlook their successes. They try to temper another's ambitions with negativity disguised as "being realistic". They like to discourage because it makes them feel better about the times that they've missed out on success. They don't even mean to be so damaging. Perhaps they grew up in a home with other negative people and discouragement was served as routinely as breakfast before school. Negative people tend to like to be around like-minded people so they are usually being fed the same messages, over and over again. Do you know any really successful negative people? I don't.

I have had the great experience of doing some work with the MIT Sloan School of Management in my Sales career. They have a club and a contest every year for their MBA program that teaches these candidates concepts and skills with Sales that they will need to be successful in likely founding their own businesses. When I have helped with their annual International Sales Competition with other renowned business schools that span the globe, I have had the pleasure of spending time with some of the best and brightest minds in business. We come together to judge the competition of the candidates. I sit shoulder to shoulder with people who hold executive positions with some of the largest and most successful international businesses out there. You would readily recognize the logos on their business cards. I tell you this because their outlook on life and pursuit of dreams is markedly different than that of the "Negative Nelly/Ned". These individuals to be sure have had many failures. They've been fired, had businesses fail, had key projects implode and invested in things that didn't pan out. Given their stories, some would have wondered why they kept going. Maybe business or invention wasn't really for them. Isn't that what our negative friends would say? I am sure they heard plenty of those words. I am positive that they remember them as well but they didn't let it deter them from what they had set out to achieve. They are positive people. They are not fixed on the failing but looking for the keys to achieve the goal in mind. They have learned that failing is part of success and there is no need to fear or turn away, it is more or less just a part of the process not a marker for abilities or outcomes. When you talk to these folks about ideas and goals, they get excited. They want to encourage and impart wisdom in the right way. They will be all too willing to point you to people they know can help you be successful. It is like as a rite of passage for achievement. They have a duty to help others be successful in any way they can and they do.

So it comes to this. Do you want to listen to a person who has perfected the art of discouragement and who is likely not successful in their goals either or do you want to learn from positive people who have failed and persevered to come out shining in the end? How will you let the comments of others affect how you pursue your career, realize your dreams or your future? I encourage you to spend some time with a successful person this week. Someone who has done something you admire and just take in their being. If you don't know any, I have plenty of numbers to give you. They'd be happy to talk.

Trash Day

After my usual routine of dropping off Carli at pre-school yesterday, I had the occasion to catch a bit of a sermon from one of my favorite broadcasted pastors, Dr. Stanley. I like Dr. Stanley because he always says one thing that fixes my attention on what he is saying, "listen". He says this word very often during his sermons and with my attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy, the redirection of hearing the word "listen" when he is about to make a point is a welcome interruption to my ever wandering mind.

Of what his main point was in yesterday's delivery, I don't know. What I do know is what he spoke of for the last five minutes of his address, resentment. I know that resentment is a poisonous affliction that many of us have fallen ill with from time to time. I have struggled with it like everyone. I have let things go with others, thought that I have forgiven only to find myself simmering in the same old feelings all over again. I get upset with myself for the exercise of rehashing, chide myself for once again choosing to feel hurt and unjustified in my pain when I know that I don't have to. No one is making me relive the events and feel the feelings. I am electing to do it. Why? I am not telling you I have the answers. I am just telling on myself so you know that you are not alone.

What Dr. Stanley said was this and please allow me to paraphrase "carrying around resentment is like dragging around a bag of garbage with you all day". When he said that, I put my mind to the task of really picturing that scenario. I thought of a big, green plastic bag full of trash. I thought of what it would be like to sack around with me. I've taken out the trash at my house plenty of times. A full bag of trash weighs a lot. For a 5' 3" woman like myself, it is awkward to pick up and carry out of the house, never mind lift into the barrel outside. On a hot summer day as we have had lately, trash smells really rotten. When I have to lift the lid to put another bag inside, I hold my breath and pray that I can get the chore done and close the lid before I have to inhale again. No matter how long I have held my breath, I can still smell that awful odor as I walk away. You can't escape it. No other smell comes close. It has it's own unique odor. If you say "it smells like trash" everyone knows what you are talking about.

I thought of this trash scenario and what it would be like if I didn't put my trash in the barrel. What if I left it in the back of my car and drove around with it all day? What would my car smell like on a sunny Floridian summer day of almost 100 degrees if I left my trash in the back of my SUV? Would anyone want a ride in my car? Would I want to get in? How would my drive be if I had to sit along side my rotting, smelly trash every day? I pondered as Dr. Stanley spoke. Wrinkling my nose automatically at the thought. It made my throat feel tight.

I love his analogy. It fits perfectly when I think of resentment. By choosing to relive hurt and conjure up feelings of anger and hurt towards another, I am volunteering myself to carry around a big bag of trash all day long. I am choosing to drive around with it in my car, sit along side it in my house and lay down next to it in my bed. When I want to vent my resentment to others I am really lifting the lid to my trash barrel and asking people to stick their head in and grab a big whiff of the smell. Is this really what I want to do, to make my day full of refuse? That's what it really is. It is the aftermath of a situation or conversation that you can do nothing about. It is over and it is too late to change the results. You can decide to throw the effects away or carry it around with you. Problem with carrying it around is that with each passing day, it starts to stink. Failure to dispose of it leaves others around you to start to notice the stench every time you speak of your offender.

The Lesson in Less

I live in America. Being a U.S. Citizen, I have great opportunities and over the years I have learned to take advantage of them. I have gone from someone who made a minimum wage after school to an income I was well-satisfied with. I was able to afford things I never dreamed of and had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Of course, you'd think that made me very happy but it didn't. When I went from married woman to single mom suddenly, the pace and the effort it took to keep up with my appetite for living made me grow weary. I wanted more free time, I wanted less stress. I wanted less bills. I wanted less results of wanting more.

The pinnacle came as I was driving my brand new Mercedes into the city where I worked. My office was in a prestigious building right in Boston's financial district. I wore beautiful tailored suits and ate nice lunches with my coworkers. As I sat in my latest purchase, staring at the traffic and being frustrated by the wait I started to cry. I called my mother and told her that I just wanted a simpler life. I didn't want all that I'd worked for any more. It was making me miserable. If this was "it" then life could have it back. I wanted to quit my job and write a book. Her unexpected reply was "so do it". And, the next day, I did. I packed up my desk, had a few long meetings with my supervisor and Vice President and left with a box and a smile.

The time I have spent in shorts and flip flops since then has been great, mostly. I don't have to be up before dawn, I spend time with my daughter in the morning making breakfast, putting together puzzles, discussing what we'll do today, fixing her hair and leisurely getting her off to pre-school. I come home and eat breakfast and fire up my laptop to get writing. Sometimes, I don't even shower until after lunch. Easy, some would say. I sit in my tiny shoebox of a condo on the second floor in a small Key West neighborhood. I call it The Tree House because my balcony is surrounded by flowering trees and palms. My condo could have fit 4x into my old house. There is no lawn to worry about mowing, no landscaping, no nothing to do maintenance wise. I was doing okay financially. I didn't have the freedoms to spend like I did before but it was kind of a novelty to not just buy anything on a whim. I think I was playing with the idea of having less but actually seeing it in action was going to be another story.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Getting a lesson in less was coming. It is a long story but with the social security benefits I am living on plus the proceeds of my investments that I have used, I never gave a second thought to money being tight. I had enough and that was all I cared about. I was still able to get pedicures and massages, that mattered to me. I needed to get the car washed once a week, it's an unwritten rule. You need to get your car washed regularly or people will think badly of you, didn't you know that? One thing led to another in my checking account. Money went this way and that and a cash out on my investment proceeds somehow never ended up being sent like they said they would the day I called and I didn't realize that the check they were sending me wasn't coming and it had somehow been mistakenly voided and couldn't be reissued for another 30 days. Did Mr. Customer Service on the phone just say 30 days?!

I immediately logged in to my bank account to see what cleared and figure out what I absolutely needed to spend in the next week and a half. That left me with a whopping 40 dollars. I had 40 dollars to my name, for the next 10 days. How in the world does anyone live on that for what seemed to be an eternity. Impossible I thought. It can't be done. I moped, I complained to God, I felt sorry for myself, all kinds of negative things. I started to resent my decision to quit my job and be down here at the very end of Florida.

What was I going to do? I decided to give it a try. To live on my 40 dollars and not use my credit cards until my next deposit. It was great challenge but I was willing to see how little I could live on and still put food on the table and gas in my car. I took inventory of what was in my cabinets and freezer. I determined that we'd probably be okay. Instead of just going to the grocery store because it was Wednesday and that was grocery day I decided to use what ever we had to make meals. I couldn't just make what I felt like having. I had meal plans and had to stick to them. Carli wasn't getting her choice of what to have for dinner. She had to eat what I put in front of her. Quite a feat for a very picky little toddler. We had a couple of nights of crying at the table but she rallied quickly when I didn't relent and told me she was "better now" and got down to eating. Who knew? She could overcome her finicky eating habits.

The gas I had in the tank of my over-priced crossover was going to have to do. I had to fight the urge to bust out the American Express and just drive by the gas station. Gasp! I couldn't wash the car for two weeks. To top it off, I had to park my car under a tree for a couple of days and we all know what birds in trees do to cars that are underneath them. I had to drive around in shame. You know what? No one pointed and laughed. No one looked at me in disgust. It was okay. I did it but the morning my deposit hit, I was right to the car wash, no questions asked.

So where are we in my lesson? I didn't go to Starbucks, walk to the corner to get Carli ice cream or pick up any trinkets. I did go to the dollar store for trash bags and to the grocery store for the essential things that couldn't wait like milk, bread and vegetables. I had seven dollars left over after my trips to the store. The last part of the lesson came when I pulled into a gas station with my last 7 bucks and put what I could afford in cash into my car. No one starved over the last two weeks. I got to where we needed to go. I consolidated trips to places and we walked when we could. Where I ended up was leftovers in my fridge and a little less than a quarter of a tank until I got to the gas station this morning and twenty six dollars still in my checking account. I lacked nothing I needed over the last two weeks. No one went without and no one suffered anything. When we ran out of convenience breakfast foods we made pancake batter. It was fun, Carli loved it and she ate pancakes almost every morning. That is heaven to a 3 year old. When we ran out of snacks, we made sugar cookies. Fun times had by all and what beats homemade cookies anyway? I invented entrees with unlikely ingredients that I will definitely make again.

My life is much simpler. The lesson in less was not easy but it was very necessary. Even with the less that I had, I had so much more than other people right here on this very island I am hanging out on. I am blessed, still. I don't mourn the loss of shopping trips and online purchases any more. I am happy with what I have and content to make great and appreciate what I call mine. I have too much. I am thinking of ways to trim what I can to make it easier and not worry about trivial things that don't really matter and excess is definitely one of those trivial things.

Love Thy Neighbor Part 3 -Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something everyone wants. I know I do when I mess up. Oddly, it is something that most are very slow, if at all, to give away. If we all want it so badly when do we hesitate or deny it to others? Some would say, "I do forgive". I would question, think of someone who has wronged you that you think that you have forgiven. I mean someone who has really wronged you, it caused damage to the relationship. Think of them, bring them to mind. How do you feel? Pain, sorrow, anger, frustration? Anything like that? If you don't have any emotion other than the good, fuzzy feelings of friendship or love I am sorry to say, there is something between you that hasn't been forgiven. I know first hand.

Studying myself in situations of asking for and extending forgiveness I have noted a few things. First of all, asking for forgiveness is very hard. It is, if you are sincerely looking for reconciliation rather than an "I'm sorry too" in return. I know it is nice to get the other side to admit fault but it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they even apologize for something else that wasn't even what you had in mind! Oh, the complexities of relationships. In any case, the first times I earnestly sought forgiveness were and remain, very powerful and humbling experiences for me. In all but one case, there has been reconciliation on some level, meaning the relationship continued on either immediately or eventually in some way.

One example that comes to mind most readily is one that was not only hard but the recipient challenged my motives, I would say now to that person, good for you! It was someone with whom I worked along side who eventually became my supervisor. The thing between us was, as peers, we had differing views on how my program within the company should run. I created our program and he had run a successful, similar program at another office within the same company. My program was also successful. I was not very open at all to his trying to mentor me when I hadn't asked for it. Honestly, I was pretty full of my own ego and didn't appreciate him trying to deflate it either. Tensions progressed and further down the road our boss informed us that he had too many managers reporting to him and that I would roll up under this man's team. You'd have thought that our boss had punched me in the face right then and there. I was resentful. My relationship with this then peer and now boss continued to deteriorate. I was indignant, disrespectful and openly critical. I should have been fired but for some reason he didn't. I had come to a place over time where I needed this office distress to end. I hated going to work and I didn't want to find another job. I sat down, went over where my faults were in this relationship and humbly presented them to him after a regularly scheduled business meeting and asked him to forgive me. I went on to say, which I think is most important in these situations, to define what my plan was to not let this behavior continue. He surprisingly pushed back. He asked me to state examples of what I felt were my trespasses against him. I was caught off guard, took a second and then gave him one or two. He asked for more. I swallowed and pressed on, giving him more detail and some others. Something most interesting happened. His face changed. It softened, he looked almost emotional and informed me that no one had ever put him in this situation of asking forgiveness before. He thanked me and we left the conference room. Our relationship changed immediately and for the better. We went on to have many great wins in business together. It turns out, we were a very formidable force together and we remain friends and I hold him as one of my best supervisors, mentors and role models in business. Imagine that.

Harder though is extending forgiveness, mostly to those who are not seeking our forgiveness in the first place. This is my "all but one" person I referred to earlier. I find that this is so common among us. It is so hard to get through and although it causes us so much pain and emotional scarring, it seems we'd rather allow it to reek havoc rather than heal it. I am in fact, still working through this myself with this individual. This person is a family member. During a great trial in my life, this person extended help and the security of help and undying love for me and my daughter. I didn't know this person well in an up close and personal sense but I took the emotion to be genuine and accepted. Public and private promises were made and almost immediately were reneged on. Resentment welled up in me and two more disappointments lead to me, very publicly, announcing this person's wrongs and letting everyone know who I thought he really was. I don't even need to detail the extensive damaged that did to our relationship. I was angry, rage-filled and vengeful. I felt completely justified in my actions at the time. I still believe that this person did wrong me. The sticking point is, I have humbled myself to see my errors, presented these to this individual on more than one occasion not only to have my asking for forgiveness rejected but even harsher words hurled back at me. This person is not open to any communication from me or my daughter at this time. Rejection of me is fine, I've had to live with that before but when it comes to my daughter that is another thing entirely. The "Momma Bear" in me rises and I want to swipe my paw at anyone who dare harm her. I considered this person's actions to be an affront to the emotional well-being of my daughter and I couldn't let it go. The mere mention of his name, the thought of this person made my blood boil over. My jaw clenched, I never turned down the opportunity to voice how hurt and disgusted I was with this person's behavior to my family and close friends. Truth be told, I hated how I felt about this person and I wanted to let it go but I couldn't. I prayed about it, resolved to not feel this way any more, only to be disappointed to find myself angry and discussing how I felt about the situation, again. The crossroads came recently when I had to contact a company my late husband had an annuity with to find out how to close it out. I called and was informed that the paperwork for the beneficiary would be in the mail in a week. Not really paying too much attention, the mail came and to my utter shock, this individual was named as the beneficiary, not me his wife. Ironically, after I felt like I was punched in the stomach for about an hour, this pinnacle helped me let it go. I took the paperwork, put it in an envelope along with a note explaining what this person had to do, stuck it in a mailbox and walked away. Why did this bring about change? I really don't know. Maybe God was pressing me to put my prayers into action and decide if I really wanted to stop carrying around this baggage any more. Will this bring about change in our relationship? I really don't know but I am finally able to think of this person and wish them well. When the thoughts reappear of me talking to this person again and what I would say, I immediately changed the subject in my mind. I can't entertain the "who's right" argument any more. It doesn't matter. This was initially a miscommunication that needed to be resolved followed by someone not meeting my expectations and my reaction toward that. It could have been easily settled but now it may never happen. That's okay. I can leave it there without needing to open old wounds every time someone brings this person up or I think about it.

I've learned that forgiveness is an action. I need to decide to forgive and be committed to the forgiveness regardless of what happens. Easier said than done but I feel so much better having put this into practice. I have wronged people and I have had to ask for forgiveness and they have graciously extended that to me. They, I believe, have moved on and allowed our relationship to continue. If I would expect that from others, why shouldn't others expect that from me?

Love Thy Neighbor Part 2 -Relationships

Loving thy neighbor in action rather than thought takes a lot of work. Admittedly I am not all that great at it but I have decided to try. Maybe you are like me, thinking "that sounds nice...in theory". Loving everybody as myself is a great ideal, like world peace. What can I do? How can I impact anything? I still find myself passing my own silent judgment on others based on what they look like or the situation I see them in. I see people on the street and the moment is a snapshot compared to their whole life and yet, I sign myself up to be the judge, jury and executioner even without thinking about it.

My example? A taste of my own medicine I am afraid. I would often walk around my favorite shopping center back home. It was an upscale complex with store fronts outside and classical music piped in. I always felt lighter in spirit being there, usually with toddler in tow, strolling around taking in the scenery and window displays. Being that I am a person who likes to people watch and literally notices every minor detail, I often took notice of younger women with small children who didn't appear to be married. My assumption, of course, was that these children were A) hers, B) born out of wedlock and C) had broken homes. Pretty harsh judgment huh? Heard yourself say that in your mind a few times? My "backatcha" came a few months after my husband died. My daughter and I would go out to lunch after church and this day we selected one of our favorites, Burton's Grill. We sat at a corner table, right next to an older couple. The woman was instantly entranced with my Carli. They were talking, she was smiling at my daughter intently and taking her in. I was smiling too. People are often very taken with Carli. She easily engages with people and her brilliant smile and gigantic blue eyes make it easy to forget what you were doing a minute ago. I was enjoying the exchange and the woman was looking over at me smiling back, until I put my left hand on the table. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring that day. She took notice and abruptly ended the conversation with Carli and turned her body away. I was very shocked. I wanted to scream at her "I am a widow"! How did it feel coming back the other way to me? Not too good. I don't know anyone's situation and anyone I pass judgment on based on what I see can easily not be what it appears at all and even if it is, is it mine to decide what is right or wrong?

Loving thy neighbor has more impact at home as I have come to realize. I have taken stock of my relationships and how I interact in them. How loving am I to my friends? Well, if you have known me long enough you already know the answer to the question. The truth is, I make a great associate, a pretty good acquaintance and a lousy close friend. Why? I am sure there are a lot of reasons but none of that really matters because the results are the same. I am hard to get to know. Oh sure, I will banter on for hours at parties, chat you up when I have the time, most people say I am funny and easy to talk to. If you are waiting for me to call to say "hi" you might be waiting a long time. I am very slow to return calls. I often don't ask about things or follow up on conversations like I should. I am standoffish, aloof and removed. The ones that are closest too me are the ones who have just too much persistence every time I try to deflect something that is too intimate or personal. I give them a lot of credit. They have just accepted me after all these years. I have even been mean and harsh with my words to a few. Thankfully, I have sought forgiveness and it has been received well although I would say those relationships bare scars. Loving? That could use some work.

What does it mean for me to love my friends then? My family? It means I have some work to do. Being in a relationship means there are two people working toward a common goal, a deeper intimacy. Both sides must be willing to be vulnerable and take a risk. I've been burned in the past, haven't we all. Not every experience is going to be the bad ones we've endured. Honesty, that's a big one. I have learned that I just have share what's on my heart and mind. Chips fall where they may. I have gone through so much in the last year that the pain of keeping to myself just hurts too bad to not let my friends have the opportunity to be there for me. The results? Well, they have taught me that it is okay to be open. In return, they have been more open to me with things that are hurting them. Interesting, isn't it? We get to bond and to be completely on the level, the best friendships are forged in fire anyway. I have been more willing to make phone calls rather than wait for the phone to ring and most importantly just letting people know what's going on with me and being real. It is so freeing to just be yourself and not really worry about "appearances". Even if it doesn't work out that way and you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is less than loving as a result of sharing yourself, at least you know what you've got between you and you can plan accordingly without any false pretenses.

I've learned to give people a chance. I've met some really, really nice people lately. Some I had met a long time ago and have recently let them get to know me. I participated and showed interest in them and they returned the favor. Amazing how that works. It's okay find out if someone you know, even very little is a great person to share in your life. Make no assumptions, that is my new motto. I was always resistant to letting myself get passed my own preconceived notions to get to know someone. What bondage. I held myself prisoner in my own judgment of others, what a shame. I am glad I am getting through that.

I've learned to say "I'm, sorry" a long time ago. Mostly, now I try to acknowledge my shortcomings with people. I try to share my knowledge of my limited communication. I tell them I am working on it. Although, telling someone you are working on something means you really have to be working on it or it just feels like a lie, for both of you. I am trying to be better. Why? I want the people in my life to know I love them and I do value the time in my life that they have been with me. All of them, no matter how little I know them, they are in my life for a reason and that reason is for me to love them in whatever way I can. Maybe it is just sharing photographs of kids, saying a kind word, wishing well, offering to pray for something. Maybe it is an occasional coffee or lunch. I can be much more in depth too. The important thing is to love the people in your life in whatever way they will let you and be ready to do it.

Loving my neighbor starts with the ones closest to me, my family and friends. I love you guys!

Love Thy Neighbor

Everyone has heard the quote "Love Thy Neighbor" or at least The Golden Rule "Do unto others". Interesting that when people quote these two phrases that they will inevitably leave off the rest of the sentence "as yourself" and "as you would have done unto you". In a world of bumper stickers, T-Shirts and banners that all scream for us to "Celebrate Diversity", "Give Peace a Chance" and be "One Human Family" you would think we would be doing a great job of this. I mean, people seem to be buying into the hype. They are putting these things on their bodies and cars. How are we really doing? Honestly, I would say not too well. Let me explain...

I am living on a very small island right now, 2 miles by 4 miles to be exact. I get the benefit of seeing society operate on a micro-scale. It's pretty interesting considering Key West considers themselves such an open community. What I see a lot of is passivity and tolerance, not too much in the way of love. Recently we had Pride Fest. A 5-day, yearly celebration of being gay I guess. There really is a more meaningful event behind this festival but it seems to be lost down here into something else. What I observed during that week about how people treated others is really what got me thinking about our two "mottos". Hundreds descended on this tiny island to celebrate. If you weren't downtown, you didn't really see too much going on but that is very hard to avoid and people came early on in the week to make a vacation out of it. Seems logical. The descent came with an undertone or an attitude by a lot of vacationers. Kind of a "it's our town" for the week and a sense of entitlement that came from being there for the celebration toward the locals and others. It gave pride a new meaning to me and not in the good sense. But not to leave out anyone else in the non-love was a man that seems to creep up on busy intersections pretty regularly around here, the "God Hates Fags" guy. His guy repulses me on so many levels. The biggest one is that he wears the banner of Christianity while holding his signs "God Hates Fags" and "God Brought The Oil Because He Hates Fags". First of all God doesn't hate anyone. In fact, Jesus was the one quoted in "Love thy neighbor as thyself"! Second of all, there are no oil spill effects in the Keys at the time of this writing thing so the other sign he carries is just silly. I want to make my own signs and keep them in my car so I can stand next to him when I see him. My signs would say "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself" and "Let He That Has Not Sinned Cast The First Stone" and make arrows that point to him. I wonder how he would feel about that?
Adults behaving this way toward each other is having effects on our children in how they behave toward each other. I call this the "Me First" syndrome. Since we aren't loving each other, we are loving ourselves more. We are getting our due, exercising our rights, putting ourselves first. My next example is two children at the zoo while I was there with my mother and Carli. We were wondering around looking at alligators and crocodiles. The dad had reached the pen of alligators first and he was calling his children to come look. We were walking over as well. One child shoved my 3 year old out of the way while the other one ran right into me without so much as a glance back as I stumbled to regain control of my knees. The look on Dad's face was one of "they're just excited". I understood. This is how it is in their home. His permission for his children to assault people and not apologize told me everything I needed to know about him...Me first. His kids get it. When you want something, you want something and you want it first. Meanwhile, I tell Carli we have to wait our turn and everyone needs a turn. That's just me. I know that she knows that because when children shove her out of the way or step in front of her view of something, she looks up at me and says "We need to wait our turn, Mama?". I say yes and silently think about shoving those children out of her way. Where has the love gone?

My final example is one of a waitress in a breakfast place recently. I was having breakfast and was being waited on by an older woman who, in my mind, should have probably chosen another career given her lack of friendliness and courtesy toward me and my daughter. Nevertheless, I was kind to her in the same way I would have if I had been given good service. She didn't spill anything on me and she got the food to the table hot. As I was eating her manager was barking an order at her. I heard her reply "Stop talking to me that way!". What she said make me think. Stop talking to me that way implies that this attitude toward her was ongoing, not a one time thing this morning. Her frustration in her voice told me she'd had enough. I guessed her attitude toward me in the form of her customer service was not about me but about her work environment. I suddenly felt sorry for her. Who wants to be barked at while they are trying to do their job? I am glad I slowed my mind down enough to assess the situation rather than react. If I had said something quick and sharp or complained to the manager about the lack of customer service I would have made a bad situation worse for her just because I wasn't getting a smile with my coffee. Not really a big deal in comparison to the situation. I could definitely argue that I was owed a good attitude while I was there, I was a customer after all but none of this was about me in the first place. Why make it about me? Would it have made me feel better to see her berated? Would my omelet have tasted better? I doubt it and I would have further ruined someone's morning.

It's easy to love and to give to those we like and those we know well. It really takes no effort at all. After all, our friends and family members are our neighbors. Everyone who isn't you is your neighbor, or at least that is the intent of the quoter. But what about the neighbor who we don't agree with? The neighbor that we think lives a life that is not in accordance to our own values. Do we love them anyway? Do we talk badly about them in front of our children or to others?
These quotes are made because they really are hard. Loving thy neighbor and doing unto others takes us out of the equation. That means to love everyone, I have to consider everyone as important as myself. It takes a lot of self sacrifice and forgiveness. That is what I see that is lacking, in my own life and certainly how I witness the treatment of others. How are you doing with that?

I wish we were a society working towards "doing unto others" but I don't really see that at work. I see this only being conditional to being like-minded rather than just well....doing it. Challenge yourself. Extend forgiveness and a clean slate to that coworker you can't stand. Let someone cut you in line go without getting mad or saying something about it. When you want to tell your spouse about the next door neighbor who has done that thing that drives you nuts one more time, stop. Who is hearing this and what's in it for you to complain about anyway? When your children want to treat others with disrespect, make them stop and say "I'm sorry". Strike up a conversation with someone who is much different than you. You just might learn something and they may learn something from you. You would be amazed how good you will feel when you just let yourself go and put others first.

The Importance of Discipline?

I have always understood that good boundaries with children will help them understand that rules need to be followed, kind of like "good fences make good neighbors". It was my natural and logical understanding that a child couldn't obey rules they didn't know they were there to be followed. Made sense to me. If they know them, they will adhere. Right? Anyone who has endured toddler hood with one of their own knows the answer to that question.

The problem with young children as they mature into little people who start to think for themselves is they start to follow a simple decision making process when they run into a fence, a rule if you will. It is called selective hearing. I have seen this played out several times with my 3 year old, Carli. Being someone who can't stand repeating herself, it amuses me and annoys me to no end when I find myself giving the same instructions at least 3 times before she stops what it is I have asked her not to do. For instance, she loves to take everything out of closets, namely the bathroom. We have been over this bathroom boundary 100 times and yet it does not stop her from doing it again. Did she forget about the "no bathroom" rule? I doubt it. Was she just so overcome by her own compulsions that it didn't occur to her? I hesitate to think that is the case more than she made a decision to do what she wanted over the wishes of her mother. She wanted to "get away with it".

For most of us who do administer some sort of discipline or handing down consequences for actions, we begin to realize this is not a one time thing. Telling your children to get off the arms of your sofa seems to be a regular reminder rather than the obligatory "time out" followed by the steadfast adherence to the "sit right on the sofa" policy. It is tiring, all consuming, frustrating and sometimes seemingly hopeless to discipline. Especially for young children where the discipline for today's infraction is a success and it will subsequently be a dismal failure the next time. I have found myself sometimes wondering if all this is really doing...anything at all. Do the parents who just seem to not really do much in the way of setting boundaries have it better than those of us who are insistent on setting rules and limitations and thus following that up with a consequence? Do "free range children" have it better? Is there more harmony in those homes? I say no. They have dire consequences. They create children who grow up to be adults with no concept of laws, moral code and a sense of doing the right thing. They are the people we meet who are always thinking they are the exception to the rule. You have met them over and over. No accountability, and always shirking responsibility. What makes me so sure? See an example.

Joran Van Der Sloot. Any of us who were not familiar with his involvement in the Natalee Holloway disappearance are familiar with him now. He is a killer. A callous, unrepentant predator. So far he has been connected to two murders of young women he met in casinos, there could be more. I am not going to recount his ghastly deeds. What I want to dissect is his parents' reactions and his behavior during the investigations he was a person of interest for. I think it sheds a lot of light on how he was raised and what came of him as an adult and the apparent absence of discipline and direction as a child.

Joran was arrested for the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba 5 years ago. What astonished and infuriated me while watching the news of him was his attitude toward the police, investigators and even the very crime he was charged with. Most people, faced with being charged with a murder they didn't commit would be very scared, anxious and completely willing to comply...unless they had something to hide. People who are innocent but know something will usually tend to tell something that is as close to the truth as possible, leaving out the information they do not want to share. People need to tell the truth in order to remember pertinent details. Joran not only lied about his whereabouts, Natalee's involvement with him in the wee hours but he changed his story countless times. He enjoyed sending people on a wild goose chase only to find out he was not telling the truth. His reaction? A smile. He enjoyed toying with the investigators. His reaction to them was one of dimissal. It gave his ego a great boost to frustrate the people in authority over this situation. He was letting them know he was in control. He saw them as below his level of intelligence. He has had a lot of practice with this. You don't come about this type of behavior, at this level over night. He was too confident in what he was doing. He more or less did the same thing with the investigators in Peru but his charade didn't last long and he soon unraveled. Why? Something was missing. The key piece of his game was no longer there. His father.

During the Aruban murder investigation, Mr. Van Der Sloot was right there. He, at first, appeared to be the kind of dad anyone would want, to be there come what may for their child. To see my point in how Joran got to where he is today, you need to look further. Joran's father did a lot for him in those coming months. He was tireless in helping the world see that his son was innocent. Who wouldn't, right? I'd spend every last dime I had and probably not sleep if Carli were in a situation where she seemed to be the sacrificial lamb for a terrible crime that had been committed...if she were innocent. Mr. Van Der Sloot did something else. He tried to work the system to get his son exonerated. He threw money at it, he used his political clout in Aruba, he hired the best lawyers, his own investigators, but he wasn't really trying to prove Joran's innocence. He was trying to get him out of the trouble he was in. There is a big difference. You see, Joran knew that is exactly what his father would do. He had a lot of confidence in that. Why? Because Daddy had done that before, many times I would surmise. He didn't for one second, question whether or not someone would help him. He knew whom he could count on....only now his father is dead. The Peruvian government is not anything that anyone he knows can circumvent, no one is throwing money at this, no one is in front of a camera, tearfully pleading on his behalf. In fact, at the time of this writing, I don't believe his mother has been to Peru nor has he spoken of her. Interesting...the Joran of today is afraid for his life, scared and left on his own. That must be terrifying if you've never had to live out the consequences of your actions before, especially as an adult having to do this for the first time.
The relationship with Joran and his parents, his coming to know how they would react came from a long history in his upbringing. These behavior patterns start very early. I can clearly see how this all started in the Van Der Sloot home. I see how this can start as I observe children interacting with other children at the playground and their parents' reactions to their behavior toward others. The culprit? Passive Permissiveness.

Passive Permissiveness is easy. I find myself contemplating it often, to be honest. I am tired, I am often sick of saying 'no'. I even try to count in my mind how many times I've told Carli that word in a given day. I think it is the most commonly used word I have uttered as of late other than the word 'yes' when I hear the name, Mom, coming from my daughter. I can hear the name Mom at least 50 times before lunch, I swear. Point being, maintaining order is a great task when it comes to our children's behavior. Sometimes, it is easy to just overlook an infraction because you just can't "go there" one more time. Passive Permissiveness is an easy pattern to fall into because it's easy. What's the harm, right? Well, easy patterns are of course easy to fall into, especially when working parents come home from a long day at the office. You had meetings that ran late, your boss was unhappy with your report, coworkers and employees misbehaving. The last thing you want to do, over dinner, when sitting down for some peace and quiet is to have to dole out instructions for something you have told your children not to do for the one millionth time! I understand it all perfectly, I was there. I came home one night after a long day. My then toddler wanted to play with the salt shaker. I had told her countless times not to play with it. I always took it away from her when she did. This time I handed it to her to keep her quiet. I just wanted to be left alone. I knew what I was doing but I didn't care. It became very hard to train her not to reach for and play with the salt and pepper at the table after that. In later, similar situations involving condiments for entertainment at the table it became a battle of wits and tempers with her when I said no. Why? Because she had learned in certain situations I would relent and she wanted to find out how to make that happen again.

Does it really matter? I would submit, it does. Not keeping our children in check and holding them accountable creates grave behavior patterns that cannot be reversed over time, either by them or by you. Not holding children accountable means you are going to try to make situations go away, like trying to explain to a teacher why your child's report isn't done on time. What is the harm in that, really? Your child doesn't understand that when you don't do what you need to do on time, you get an "F" and you teach them that it is okay to lie and get around rules if given a set of circumstances. Do you really want to model behavior that you would usually punish them for? It's so easy to spackle over things rather than deal with them but over the long haul, both you and your children will pay for it. Joran's parents never intended to create a monster. Little chips in the mortar, one at a time, over the years make the brick wall crumble.