Rules for Dealing with the Unruly and Don't Go Swamping Without Hip Waders

I am pretty open-minded when it comes to an other's thoughts and opinions but I have a couple of rules I follow.  The primary one that I have learned to never waver from is responding to open aggression.  The reason why I ignore an aggressor, verbal, or otherwise is this, they don't really want to know what you have to say.  They never do.  The only purpose an angry person has to confront you with insults is to make you feel inferior and tear you down. 

Why they want to do this in the first place is irrelevant although I will say they will have lots of excuses for their bad behavior AKA reasons for confronting you.  Regardless of the litany of reasons they have for deeming you the worst person in America, Europe or wherever you live , the actual intended outcome is only an argument.  It is a purposeless, useless, no-win war of an argument designed to see who caves first.  The loser, and they hope it's you, gets to be ragged on by them and their spineless cohorts behind your back.  You see, even if you win, you aren't going to be honored anyway. No one will be tipping their hat, bowing down and thanking you for a fine, gentlemanly (or womanly) debate.  You lose no matter what because the goal was not to see if you could rise to the challenge in the first place (see intended purpose above). 

Should you be accosted with an onslaught of angry words for no real reason there is an important rule of engagement, don't engage at all. I know, it's hard.  You want to ask them what in the world possessed them to take such exception to your point of view, don't do it. They'll be happy to tell you, but don't probably won't be able to make heads or tails out of it and if you ask for more clarification, well that brings me the next rule.

Rule number two is for those of you who find yourself involved in a feckless exchange because you failed to follow rule number one.  This rule is simple. Stop communication. I mean, stop.  Don't say, "I'm stopping now", just stop. If you announce your departure they'll keep going and then, of course, paint you as the coward. Go, run if you have to, smash your laptop, but don't continue.  Continuing will only cause two things to happen, hours of your life will be spent without any return on investment and you'll have a king-sized headache trying to figure out what the heck happened in the first place. 

If you ignore all of this well-used advice based on years of research, you will yourself in the middle of nowhere in the Emotional Swamp.  These beings, disguised as regular people just like you and me are really alligators who are trying to stalk you and drag you into their swamp and wrestle the life out of you until you have no fight left. That is what alligators do before they eat their prey and that is what an alligator of this magnitude will do to you.  Unless you like being alligator lunch and dragged into the murky waters of a lair you can't get out of, the trick is to know how to spot an alligator in the first place. 

How to spot an alligator from the Emotional Swamp:

1) They are easily offended
2) They typically do not compliment anything
3) They are more interested in voicing their opinion than listening to others
4) They like to point out the negative
5) They talk about other people
6) When they confront, they love an audience

Know what you are getting yourself into.  Most of all, put on your hip waders.  Alligators love to twist the truth and turn things around, just like an alligator does when it latches on to its victim.   The trick is not to get caught in the first place.  A little ego check on your part in the beginning will leave your alligator hungry and swimming off to find its next victim.  If you don't want an alligator attacking you, don't give it anything to sink its teeth into. 

"Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them." -John Maxwell

The Tea Cup Minister

I have inadvertently started a ministry at my house.  I have lots of other ministry projects going simultaneously so taking on any new endeavors was not what I was looking for.  All that being said and the fact that my plans seem to be upended by God pretty regularly these days, I have found myself running a healthy ministry with people routinely taking advantage of what I have to offer, a cup of tea and a listening ear.

It all started with two relatives who were at a discourse.  They decided after years of a cold war of sorts that it was time to sit down at the negotiation table and diplomatically mend fences.  Every Wednesday at about the same time, I'd start the kettle.  Sometimes one would show, sometimes neither but I remained faithful to my being available with a ready cup of hot tea for whomever sat down.  Over time, the routine and the mediation has started heading things in the right direction.  To God, for that one I am grateful.

Angels must have gotten the word out about my success because more people started happening by.  They'd shrug off their coats and drop their handbags and I'd ask, "care for a spot?" as I held up the cold kettle over the stove.  Most nodded in agreement, some asked for coffee but everyone took a seat at my dining room table and I'd follow suit after I set up cups and bags next to the stove to await hot water.  The anticipation of tea and my staring blankly at the person in front of me seemed to start the conversation rolling.  People would tell me that they just stopped in to say "hi" but they end up saying a whole lot more by the time the tea bag was cold on the spoon in front of them.  I was happy to listen and share my views when the need called for.  Sometimes it was a lively conversation of the bible, those are the ones I love the most.  God is always a splendid and timely topic at my table.  A good God chat can go on for hours around here.

I must have been doing something right because the ones who happened by came back again.  They'd come and I'd fire up the stove, no need to ask.  I knew what we'd be doing.  I'd make small talk while I got out my supplies and we settle in again for a spell.  Somehow my daughter always seemed to be perfectly enthralled in her own thing as soon as someone came in.  You'd hardly know she was there.  Must be those angels again.  They keep my otherwise rambunctious pre-schooler occupied during my ministering time.

I love the tea times with friends and family. I get ministering too.  Just caring enough to come by and entrust me with their thoughts and trials says a lot about how much they value our relationship.  Now, when I got to the store, I stock up on tea supplies.  I have a bunch of different kinds now.   I think I'll spring for some nicer cups.  I have been using plain old coffee mugs.  I think the new tea cups with spark a fun start to the conversations and let my friends know that I find our tea time special too.  In a world that is ever revolving around the Internet and social networking, it is nice to have people who treasure the art of the in-person conversation like I do.

The Gift

I want you to picture someone who loves you more than anyone else in the whole wide world.  Close your eyes and think about that person. Get a good feel for their face.  They are smiling at you with tenderness and affection.  Their eyes are fixed on you.  They are walking towards you slowly and deliberately with a gift.  With outstretched hands, they are holding this gift out to you.  It is beautifully and carefully wrapped with a large ribbon surrounding the package, fastened in place with a large bow on top of the box.  They are standing now with their gift extended out to you.  All that is required of you is to take it.  I want you to sit with that thought in your mind for just a minute.  Does it make you feel good to think about? 

It's not your birthday, it's not Christmas.  The present is simply because they love you and they want you to know how much.  You did nothing to deserve it at all, they just want to give it to you. They want to experience the joy in seeing you unwrap your special gift.  

You have to reach out for the box in order to unwrap it, don't you?  You need to take it from their hands.  The gift is not the wrapping of course, although it is pretty to look at.  You could stand there with your loved one and just take in the moment but sooner or later you have to take your present from their hands.  It really isn't yours until you receive it.  What is it like to unwrap a special present?  Do you get excited?  Do you thank the giver?  Do you tear open the package with urgent anticipation?

I want you to picture again that loving smile with the gift out in front of you, waiting for you to take it.  Now I want you to focus on their face while you look into their eyes and slap the gift out of their hands, sending it to the floor.  I want you to conjure up that feeling you get just before you send something flying.  Next I want you to envision pushing them to the floor.  What do you think the look on their face would be now? 
What would their reaction be?  Do you think they would be hurt?  What did they do to deserve such treatment? 

Quite a colorful exercise.  The only reason for their wanting to give was simply out of love for you and to see the joy that comes when you receive.  Why would you send their present hurling and them to the floor in rejection?  Do people actually do things like that?  You'd probably think that someone was crazy for doing something so cruel. 

People do it every day.  On any given hour, thousands and thousands of people will stand in front of the One who loves them more than anyone ever will.  They will see Him standing there with outstretched hands, the most precious gift they could ever receive and they it away like it was garbage.  They will tell Him that His present is foolish, stupid and not worth opening.  He will say, "I love you" and they will laugh in His face. 

The next time He comes to you with His gift, I'd like you to ask yourself what the risk is in just simply receiving it. 

Trash Day

After my usual routine of dropping off Carli at pre-school yesterday, I had the occasion to catch a bit of a sermon from one of my favorite broadcasted pastors, Dr. Stanley. I like Dr. Stanley because he always says one thing that fixes my attention on what he is saying, "listen". He says this word very often during his sermons and with my attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy, the redirection of hearing the word "listen" when he is about to make a point is a welcome interruption to my ever wandering mind.

Of what his main point was in yesterday's delivery, I don't know. What I do know is what he spoke of for the last five minutes of his address, resentment. I know that resentment is a poisonous affliction that many of us have fallen ill with from time to time. I have struggled with it like everyone. I have let things go with others, thought that I have forgiven only to find myself simmering in the same old feelings all over again. I get upset with myself for the exercise of rehashing, chide myself for once again choosing to feel hurt and unjustified in my pain when I know that I don't have to. No one is making me relive the events and feel the feelings. I am electing to do it. Why? I am not telling you I have the answers. I am just telling on myself so you know that you are not alone.

What Dr. Stanley said was this and please allow me to paraphrase "carrying around resentment is like dragging around a bag of garbage with you all day". When he said that, I put my mind to the task of really picturing that scenario. I thought of a big, green plastic bag full of trash. I thought of what it would be like to sack around with me. I've taken out the trash at my house plenty of times. A full bag of trash weighs a lot. For a 5' 3" woman like myself, it is awkward to pick up and carry out of the house, never mind lift into the barrel outside. On a hot summer day as we have had lately, trash smells really rotten. When I have to lift the lid to put another bag inside, I hold my breath and pray that I can get the chore done and close the lid before I have to inhale again. No matter how long I have held my breath, I can still smell that awful odor as I walk away. You can't escape it. No other smell comes close. It has it's own unique odor. If you say "it smells like trash" everyone knows what you are talking about.

I thought of this trash scenario and what it would be like if I didn't put my trash in the barrel. What if I left it in the back of my car and drove around with it all day? What would my car smell like on a sunny Floridian summer day of almost 100 degrees if I left my trash in the back of my SUV? Would anyone want a ride in my car? Would I want to get in? How would my drive be if I had to sit along side my rotting, smelly trash every day? I pondered as Dr. Stanley spoke. Wrinkling my nose automatically at the thought. It made my throat feel tight.

I love his analogy. It fits perfectly when I think of resentment. By choosing to relive hurt and conjure up feelings of anger and hurt towards another, I am volunteering myself to carry around a big bag of trash all day long. I am choosing to drive around with it in my car, sit along side it in my house and lay down next to it in my bed. When I want to vent my resentment to others I am really lifting the lid to my trash barrel and asking people to stick their head in and grab a big whiff of the smell. Is this really what I want to do, to make my day full of refuse? That's what it really is. It is the aftermath of a situation or conversation that you can do nothing about. It is over and it is too late to change the results. You can decide to throw the effects away or carry it around with you. Problem with carrying it around is that with each passing day, it starts to stink. Failure to dispose of it leaves others around you to start to notice the stench every time you speak of your offender.