Rules for Dealing with the Unruly and Don't Go Swamping Without Hip Waders

I am pretty open-minded when it comes to an other's thoughts and opinions but I have a couple of rules I follow.  The primary one that I have learned to never waver from is responding to open aggression.  The reason why I ignore an aggressor, verbal, or otherwise is this, they don't really want to know what you have to say.  They never do.  The only purpose an angry person has to confront you with insults is to make you feel inferior and tear you down. 

Why they want to do this in the first place is irrelevant although I will say they will have lots of excuses for their bad behavior AKA reasons for confronting you.  Regardless of the litany of reasons they have for deeming you the worst person in America, Europe or wherever you live , the actual intended outcome is only an argument.  It is a purposeless, useless, no-win war of an argument designed to see who caves first.  The loser, and they hope it's you, gets to be ragged on by them and their spineless cohorts behind your back.  You see, even if you win, you aren't going to be honored anyway. No one will be tipping their hat, bowing down and thanking you for a fine, gentlemanly (or womanly) debate.  You lose no matter what because the goal was not to see if you could rise to the challenge in the first place (see intended purpose above). 

Should you be accosted with an onslaught of angry words for no real reason there is an important rule of engagement, don't engage at all. I know, it's hard.  You want to ask them what in the world possessed them to take such exception to your point of view, don't do it. They'll be happy to tell you, but don't probably won't be able to make heads or tails out of it and if you ask for more clarification, well that brings me the next rule.

Rule number two is for those of you who find yourself involved in a feckless exchange because you failed to follow rule number one.  This rule is simple. Stop communication. I mean, stop.  Don't say, "I'm stopping now", just stop. If you announce your departure they'll keep going and then, of course, paint you as the coward. Go, run if you have to, smash your laptop, but don't continue.  Continuing will only cause two things to happen, hours of your life will be spent without any return on investment and you'll have a king-sized headache trying to figure out what the heck happened in the first place. 

If you ignore all of this well-used advice based on years of research, you will yourself in the middle of nowhere in the Emotional Swamp.  These beings, disguised as regular people just like you and me are really alligators who are trying to stalk you and drag you into their swamp and wrestle the life out of you until you have no fight left. That is what alligators do before they eat their prey and that is what an alligator of this magnitude will do to you.  Unless you like being alligator lunch and dragged into the murky waters of a lair you can't get out of, the trick is to know how to spot an alligator in the first place. 

How to spot an alligator from the Emotional Swamp:

1) They are easily offended
2) They typically do not compliment anything
3) They are more interested in voicing their opinion than listening to others
4) They like to point out the negative
5) They talk about other people
6) When they confront, they love an audience

Know what you are getting yourself into.  Most of all, put on your hip waders.  Alligators love to twist the truth and turn things around, just like an alligator does when it latches on to its victim.   The trick is not to get caught in the first place.  A little ego check on your part in the beginning will leave your alligator hungry and swimming off to find its next victim.  If you don't want an alligator attacking you, don't give it anything to sink its teeth into. 

"Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them." -John Maxwell

Integrity. Honesty. Discipline. Kindness. Bravery. They are some of the components that make up character. I don't hear a lot about character but I have spent some time thinking about it recently. Character isn't really something that is said about someone so much as it is an observance that is often described in pieces rather than the whole.

We can exhibit aspects of good character even emulate them if they are not actually part of our inherit being in some situations. A person who is not necessarily giving can sporadically donate a lot of time or money to a certain cause that seems to spark their interest and ignore or reject other requests for the same without hesitation or explanation. A fearful person can overcome their anxieties if prompted to do so by a set of circumstances.

These examples can be mistakenly used by observers to measure character only to disappoint when the person of whom they so highly regarded before has fallen short of the lofty expectations that were slapped on them like a label for one given shining moment in their life. It happens all the time. It has even happened to me. I've often done it to myself. I have given into the hype of what others have to say and become remarkably ashamed when I don't feel like I am living up to the pedestal I have been put on. I cringe when others tell me that I am their 'inspiration' or they admire me so much for all I have done. I sit silently in the wake of their smiling glow and ponder, would they say the same thing if they knew about all the things I have done unbeknownst to them?

"Character is what you do when no one is looking". I think that is mostly true, or it tends to be, but I think from my own observances and study of people historically regarded as having great character that it is more of an engrained pattern of behavior. Character is built, not something you are born with. Character comes from, I believe many failings, hardships and the person's abilities to learn from those things. I have done some pretty stupid things when I thought no one would find out about it. Funny thing is, people usually do find out about it and then of course you know the rest of that story. I wouldn't have said and still don't that those individual situations were the result of my character. They were bad decision making based on a specific chain of events. If you didn't know me, you would naturally make an assumption that the scenario and the cascading results were exactly who I was. That is not true but try and prove it in court. Get it?

Israel's King David from biblical history tells us that he was "a man after God's own heart". That is some title! King David did some really wonderful things and he overcame mighty opposition even within his own family. If you were to not really know anything else about him, you'd think he had to be something close to perfect given the incredible sentiment he is known for. King David also did some really lousy things to people very close to him. For one, he slept with the wife of a close associate of his. When he learned that she was now pregnant he arranged for her husband's execution and involved others in this mission. He was successful in what he set out to do. He did a great disservice to his country, his family and his God with this decision. Was this the true nature of his character? Not at all. Thankfully, this travesty doesn't immediately come to mind when most think of him. He was lucky.

Tiger Woods is an unfortunate example. When news broke of his first affair I thought to myself, "okay, he screwed up. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water". After about a dozen women also came forward my thinking changed to "he is a lying cheat". It wasn't because of the one but the many. He had a pattern of behavior not one time of indiscretion. Now, this is what he is known for not his amazing golf playing and the brunt of many jokes. His character has been reduced to one of laughability. What a sad state.

When judging someone's character, one must be very careful. Judging is something none of us have any room or merit for since we all fall short of who we really are truly. I believe that most people are basically good at the core albeit incredibly selfish. We set out with the right intentions but may factors come into play in our lives that drive what the result is in the end, our nature.
What I've learned in all this is to take a person and their behavior for what it's worth and factor in my past experiences with them and decide if this is someone who possesses the character that I'd like to be associated with. For we are not only judged by our own character but that of our known crowd. To be totally blunt, if you don't like any of your friends you might want to evaluate who you really are while you are complaining about them. Water does seek its own level.

The good news is that people can change. They usually want to change when they have had a heartbreaking realization who they are and a great desire to be something else. I've had the privilege of witnessing hundreds of literal transformations of life. What a wonderful thing to witness!