The Profoundness of Loss

Loss is not describable. Not in the sense of loss of a loved one. I've lost my keys, my checkbook, important paper work many times. That is momentary panic followed by anger at one's self for not putting things where they belong. This is different. It's profound. An intangible feeling and sense that can't be duplicated. Those that have it can feel it, touch it, see it, taste it but it can't be described. I think that is why we seek out others who have shared our experiences. We are anxious for those who can relate.

I have, in my short widowhood, found many who have shared my sense of loss. It is a sad comfort. I need to know that others have suffered as I, and some more. It gives me a sick sense of belonging. I am an unfortunate member of a permanent club of which I cannot revoke my membership as all my dues are paid in full whether I like it or not. The thing about loss is it takes from you. It takes a piece of your soul and sense of reality. Others who have shared loss can see it in the faces of other members. We just know. When I think of this, I think of a friend I met a few years ago. Beautiful, smart, seeming to have it all, at least all that most would want but I sensed a longing in her. There seemed to be a sadness that shrouded her smile. I didn't know what it was but she shared it with me when I lost my husband. Her beautiful daughter was taken unexpectedly. In a moment, gone. Irrevocable, just like my Greg. No matter what happened the day before, what was intended, gone, forever.

The funny thing about funerals and people who have had profound losses is people will say the darnedest and seemingly sincere things. Many will talk to us about a sense of greater love and appreciation for loved ones. Lie. It is only emotionalism and sentimentality run riot. Give these speakers a few weeks and it is back to resentments and fueled distain for the intolerance of family members' shortcomings. Ask any married couple who shared with me a sense of greater appreciation for one another and a taking of marriage more seriously how that is going these days and it I bet it is, more or less, back to the same old thing.

I don't think, unless you have walked our path of loss, that it is possible to have that greater sense. I have it. It is like The Matrix. I took the Red Pill. I didn't know what I was taking but here it is. I live in an alternate universe. My sense of reality and life is so remarkably different than anyone else's. I wish they could know. I wish I could download my brain and help people see. All this, everything you have, everyone you know, everything you do, all that you make, all your investments, possessions or lack there of, everything is temporary. The sense of security in things and people that everyone has is false. It can be wiped out in an instant. I don't worry about these things any more. Not like I used to. I can't. I know better now. It is actually freeing!

Take for instance my house. It sold in about two weeks. Not my expectation but that is what happened. Instantaneously everyone wanted to know what I'd do next. Where would my stuff go? How long would I be in Florida? Would I be in Florida forever? Where would I be permanently? I kept answering "I don't know" and "I'll know when I get there". Not what most people wanted to hear. People without profound loss need to over plan. They need that sense of "I need to know what is going on". I know that doesn't always work that way. I am not worried. What works out will work out. Don't panic. Try explaining that to others.

For me, I am better than before. It is funny how life works that way. We have to experience pain to grow and be better people. My "Zen" is real. It is real because I trust in a God that sees the whole picture not the little, self-centered picture that I can see. No matter what, I can't get it wrong. The end result is His and His alone. What a sense of security in that!

Next up, I close and pack my house...stay tuned...

The New Chapter

As I sit amongst humidity and palm trees on this pleasant little patch in the ocean, my mind is on Boston. I put my house on the market before I left on my road trip, fully thinking it would take some time to sell it and that I might not be able to take as long as I wanted if I had to keep paying my mortgage for an extended period of time. Financial responsibilities were definitely a factor, as they should. Much to my surprise, my house was on the market for less than a couple of weeks. My mind then went to how I would get back to Boston, when did I want to go there, and what to do with my "stuff". I have a lot of stuff. Some mine, some my late husband's, some my baby girl's. No matter where I ended up, it is sure to not have 2 living rooms, a dining room and 3 to 4 bedrooms. What was I going to do with all of this? Another answer to prayer. I am downsizing and the buyer's are upsizing. They will take whatever stuff I don't want. Marvelous! Things are really falling into place and quickly. I can hardly keep my head straight with it. I am amazed at how fast things are moving. I keep reminding myself and others that I am not pacing this adventure, rather it seems to be pacing me. I am just going with the flow and seeing what happens. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. Major change does that.

Speaking of change, I was desperate for it. Sitting in my home, the house Greg and I made was depressing. He loved that house, in fact, he bid on it without telling me and we won the bid on the offer. He was so excited when he told me that they accepted the offer and we got the house. I was so furious that our first big purchase together was made without my knowledge. Truth was, I didn't love the house, he did. We moved in and I did end up liking it some or at least living with it but a split-level in the middle of no where and an hour from my friends and family was not what I had in mind as far as settling down. I decorated around the ugly teal tile floors and gross turquoise counter tops. Yes, you read that right. I should be on "Design on a Dime" I feel like I managed to decorate around the worst of flooring and counter faux pas. The size of the house and the remoteness of almost 2 acres of land and no neighbors within a quarter mile in any direction made me uneasy being by myself with a 3 year old. If anything happened to us, no one would know. I wanted to be around people who would know to knock on my door if they hadn't seen me in a few days and a little less isolated so that others would know who should or would come and go from my house. I had none of that and I can't use the riding lawn mower any way, nor do I care to. I wanted something manageable and quaint.

This leaves me with today. I am glad the house is sold. I am glad to be out of Rockland, MA. and I am glad to be on to something and where new. That doesn't mean I am not sad to let go of the past. It is not easy to change no matter how much it is needed. I am reflecting a lot. I am pondering all that I need to do and what needs to go where and realizing that as of April 12th, I will probably never see that house again or at least not like I used to. The old really is passing away and it is making way for the new. It's a good thing, but it isn't a good feeling. It means I really am moving on and making a new life. There is part of me that wishes I didn't have to do that and part of me that wants to plow forward and make all this worth something in the end. I am conflicted. Most people are when there are where I am at. I am not afraid to change, I've done it many times and always come out much better in the end. It's just the "I can't see the whole picture" part but then again, that is what I trust God for.

Next up, hopefully manatees with cousin Laurie.

Stay tuned....

"Celebrity" Gossip

It has been a week now since I left. Some have already asked when I'll be back but the truth is, I am just getting started on my journey. I have had some time to think about why I left. To some it would have seemed a bit abrupt and not well thought out. Many would not have just picked up their child and some personal affects and proceeded to drive the coast. I know that. I had to do it.

After some back and forth discussion my mother confessed that she feared my departure was an effort to run away from everyone and everything. I confirmed that for her and some how she seems to feel less anxious about my adventure. Interesting isn't? I guess even when people don't really want to hear the truth they can be sometimes comforted by it nonetheless.

Burning questions asked of me over email, text and Facebook. Where am I going? When am I coming back? Where am I moving to? There are other questions but those are the most common. I haven't answered one of them and I won't. The explanations will be found here.

Celebrities tend to lament the public eye. The constant barrage of attention and information, pictures, staring. Every move ending up in the National Inquirer. They just can't be themselves at any time outside their home. There are no secrets and there are no private moments outside the walls of their mansions or hotel rooms. I used to think that just came with the territory. If you decide you need to be famous then you just need to accept this type of a life. No sympathy was found in me, then again, I don't get "star struck" anyway. I've met plenty of them. Most would really just like to either be ignored or treated like a regular person, for once. That almost never happens. Quite a few stars even become reclusive, rarely being seen out in public. Even they get stalked. Seems if you are withdrawn there is more to find out about according to the papparazzi. Hidden they stay, hoping for a moment of peace. What a life...

That brings the point to me. I now understand these poor unfortunates of fame. In a way, I feel like I've become a victim of my own voyeurs. Greg's passing, a 39 year old man who left behind a 37 year old wife and 2 1/2 year old daughter, is rare occurrence. People expect older women to lose their husbands. Not any less sad and devastating but expected. The widows are comforted by friends and family but people seem to move on from it rather quickly. Not so with someone like me. I don't know if my experience is typical but it certainly has gotten rather unpleasant. I expected those around me to be around for a while, to check in and see how we were doing and move on. That didn't seem to happen. Seemed as though the longer my journey in recovery following Greg's passing went, the more interesting I got for other people. Not so much close friends, they haven't changed, but acquaintances. People I don't know well. For someone who is "stand-offish" it is difficult to answer personal questions to those who are not involved in my life. I wonder why they need to know. Usually it is just curiosity, lately my life has become fodder for discussions within circles of whom I used to belong. This makes me hurt and angry. How can you discuss things of mine that are so personal and painful without really knowing anything about me?

What is it about my situation that makes people so interested? Lately, what about my situation has made people feel so confident in voicing their opinions about my decisions either to me or to others? What is it about my situation or me that others feel the need to cross-check my choices to see if it passes their muster? Why then have informal discussions with others about my path in life and hold roundtables to decide what must be going on "with me"?

The constant barrage of questions, hearing about others talking about me, others feeling the need to pry in to my personal life in an effort to either feel as though they are "in the know" with me or to satisfy their own curiosity is too much. I am not on television. I am not in the movies. I am not starring in my own movie. By and large, my life is mine to either reap the rewards or suffer the consequences, regardless. Ultimately, the constant microscope I feel I have been under is too overbearing. I am gone, for now. When will I be back? I don't know. Where am I moving to? Permanently speaking, I don't know. Right now I am in Key West and will be for a while. I like it here. People are nice, the weather is good. There are tons of writers who are already meeting with me and helping me get my book in the right direction. Carli is happy to be with mom and to have me with her so much, but she also misses school. I thought that was interesting. I left because I need less interaction and more soul searching. I need to get my head together and get this book written. The solitude will help, believe me. I don't have to live with the papparazzi. I didn't chose this life. I don't think that budding celebrities really knew what they were getting into being in the public eye either and their poor public existence is something to be pitied compared to mine. I feel awful for them. Here on the streets of Key West, I am a nobody. I like that just fine. Not to mention, where I am staying, there is a palm tree in my front yard.

If you are interested in what is going on and how we're doing it will be on this blog.
Stay tuned.....