It has been a week now since I left. Some have already asked when I'll be back but the truth is, I am just getting started on my journey. I have had some time to think about why I left. To some it would have seemed a bit abrupt and not well thought out. Many would not have just picked up their child and some personal affects and proceeded to drive the coast. I know that. I had to do it.
After some back and forth discussion my mother confessed that she feared my departure was an effort to run away from everyone and everything. I confirmed that for her and some how she seems to feel less anxious about my adventure. Interesting isn't? I guess even when people don't really want to hear the truth they can be sometimes comforted by it nonetheless.
Burning questions asked of me over email, text and Facebook. Where am I going? When am I coming back? Where am I moving to? There are other questions but those are the most common. I haven't answered one of them and I won't. The explanations will be found here.
Celebrities tend to lament the public eye. The constant barrage of attention and information, pictures, staring. Every move ending up in the National Inquirer. They just can't be themselves at any time outside their home. There are no secrets and there are no private moments outside the walls of their mansions or hotel rooms. I used to think that just came with the territory. If you decide you need to be famous then you just need to accept this type of a life. No sympathy was found in me, then again, I don't get "star struck" anyway. I've met plenty of them. Most would really just like to either be ignored or treated like a regular person, for once. That almost never happens. Quite a few stars even become reclusive, rarely being seen out in public. Even they get stalked. Seems if you are withdrawn there is more to find out about according to the papparazzi. Hidden they stay, hoping for a moment of peace. What a life...
That brings the point to me. I now understand these poor unfortunates of fame. In a way, I feel like I've become a victim of my own voyeurs. Greg's passing, a 39 year old man who left behind a 37 year old wife and 2 1/2 year old daughter, is rare occurrence. People expect older women to lose their husbands. Not any less sad and devastating but expected. The widows are comforted by friends and family but people seem to move on from it rather quickly. Not so with someone like me. I don't know if my experience is typical but it certainly has gotten rather unpleasant. I expected those around me to be around for a while, to check in and see how we were doing and move on. That didn't seem to happen. Seemed as though the longer my journey in recovery following Greg's passing went, the more interesting I got for other people. Not so much close friends, they haven't changed, but acquaintances. People I don't know well. For someone who is "stand-offish" it is difficult to answer personal questions to those who are not involved in my life. I wonder why they need to know. Usually it is just curiosity, lately my life has become fodder for discussions within circles of whom I used to belong. This makes me hurt and angry. How can you discuss things of mine that are so personal and painful without really knowing anything about me?
What is it about my situation that makes people so interested? Lately, what about my situation has made people feel so confident in voicing their opinions about my decisions either to me or to others? What is it about my situation or me that others feel the need to cross-check my choices to see if it passes their muster? Why then have informal discussions with others about my path in life and hold roundtables to decide what must be going on "with me"?
The constant barrage of questions, hearing about others talking about me, others feeling the need to pry in to my personal life in an effort to either feel as though they are "in the know" with me or to satisfy their own curiosity is too much. I am not on television. I am not in the movies. I am not starring in my own movie. By and large, my life is mine to either reap the rewards or suffer the consequences, regardless. Ultimately, the constant microscope I feel I have been under is too overbearing. I am gone, for now. When will I be back? I don't know. Where am I moving to? Permanently speaking, I don't know. Right now I am in Key West and will be for a while. I like it here. People are nice, the weather is good. There are tons of writers who are already meeting with me and helping me get my book in the right direction. Carli is happy to be with mom and to have me with her so much, but she also misses school. I thought that was interesting. I left because I need less interaction and more soul searching. I need to get my head together and get this book written. The solitude will help, believe me. I don't have to live with the papparazzi. I didn't chose this life. I don't think that budding celebrities really knew what they were getting into being in the public eye either and their poor public existence is something to be pitied compared to mine. I feel awful for them. Here on the streets of Key West, I am a nobody. I like that just fine. Not to mention, where I am staying, there is a palm tree in my front yard.
If you are interested in what is going on and how we're doing it will be on this blog.
Don't Pray For Me
6 years ago