Saturday, June 11, 2011

Emotional Hijacking

Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest -Matthew 11:28

The sound of the dripping from the roof and the dullness of the light in the room as I awoke was a disappointing realization that it was raining outside. I had heard a comment from a friend that it was going to be rainy all weekend but I dismissed the news as only one report and in New England, weather forecasts are more of an opinion than a predictable fact.

With a groaning sigh that she was correct, I turned from one side to another and was greeted by my beaming, tweeting 4 year old, "Good Morning, Mama!"

She brings the sunshine where there is none normally but I was not in the mood to have my disposition changed before coffee. "Good Morning, Honey."

I rolled out and stood up, shuffling to my Keurig to make an emergency cup of coffee. My three cups failed to produce any lift in my personality. I had promised Carli the night before that we'd go out for breakfast so I showered, dressed, got her together and we went to a sweet little local diner for a mouse-shaped pancake. After a year and a half, we finally ate and paid the bill. I was not any better for having to wait so long for a simple morning meal and I was furthered in my downward spiral by the day ahead of errands and house cleaning.

With a huff, I drove us to the grocery store. Normally Carli and I have a great time of grocery shopping. She stands up underneath me on the bottom rack of the cart and hooks her arms around mine. She goes on and on talking to me while we cruise up and down the aisles and she tells me what we need on her list. Today I just wanted to get it done.

My day didn't change much. I had to clean the house and Carli wanted to play and spend time with me. I was irritated. I became further annoyed by my attitude. What was with me? I seemed so intolerant of anything derailing my mission for total house cleanliness. It did finally get done but not without yelling and a low lying headache.

After Carli went to bed, I did my kickboxing workout and headed for the shower. There can be nothing so refreshing as a nice shower after a good sweat. I reflected on my day. My jaw felt tight, my neck stiff. Why was I so tense? Was I angry? No. Lonely? No. Did I feel like I was missing out on something? No. The answer froze me for a moment as the hot water rolled off my back. I was worried.

Worry is the single worst day ruiner there is next to being hungover. I couldn't have told you all day what the problem was but taking out some aggression in punching the air and kicking the wind got my defenses down enough to see it. I am not anxious for anything that is actually going on in my life. There is no crisis, no bad news of any note. I am worried about the future. Worried that I don't have any income coming in, worried about Carli's schooling, worried about my book, worried about my t-shirt business. I have great things going and things that can produce a lot of wealth and an eleviation to my concerns for my daughter's schooling. I have no idea what the future holds but I know one thing, I can do nothing to change it. The future is His to know and His alone. I have to trust that He loves me more than my own mother and His will is stronger than anything that could try to come against me.

In taking on worry, I walked away from the love and trust I have in God. I decided that I needed to handle and figure things out, not give them to Him and trust in His goodness. Since when do I have the power to manipulate all things? Hasn't happened yet. So why worry? I had to say I was sorry. Even if my roof comes off tonight while I sleep, He'll still provide a solution. The only thing I gained was a wasted day of grousing went I could have been making the most of a dreary day with my Little Sunshine.

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