Mother's Day Blues

Everywhere I turn are signs for Mother's Day. "Remember Mom", "Send flowers for Mother's Day", there are countless commercials on TV and radio these days, clamoring for everyone's Mother's Day business. Normally, I'd be anxious about Mother's Day but for different reasons than this year. I am sad and anxious this Mother's Day because it is the first one I will be spending as a single mother. Oh sure, Carli will make me a card or something and her school is having a Mommy and Me Tea Party this Friday but it isn't the same. No one will be shopping for me on Carli's behalf for sappy, heartfelt cards and presents. There won't be any dinners to be taken out to this Sunday for me. I guess what is sticking in my craw is no surprises this year. What ever is done for me this Mother's Day will really be done by me for Mother's Day. I am not feeling sorry for myself, mind you and it isn't about the presents. It is about who is missing to celebrate it with me, Greg, my late husband.

Greg was not a good present giver. This always bothered me. I would lament about Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas every year. I would hope that one of these times, he would do something really special, that he would go all out and really "wow" me. He never did. My friends would get jewelry, trips to the spa, and surprise weekends away. Not me. I usually got whatever he could pick up last minute or gifts from BJ's Wholesale Club. One year I got a space heater for Christmas. Practical? Yes. Romantic? No. I never let on that I was disappointed. He was very sensitive and I didn't want to hurt his feelings but the lack of planning and forethought always made me feel like I wasn't worth it. It wasn't the intent but it was the result.

We had problems communicating because we needed to feel loved in different ways. I like presents and physical touch. He liked compliments and time spent with him. This was very difficult for me as I didn't think I needed to fawn over him and bring in a marching band in my house whenever he did his quarterly dish duties and getting me to sit down and watch twenty year-old reruns of Magnum P.I. when I had laundry to do and lunches to make was nearly impossible and it made him sad. I didn't see the value in what he wanted. Being the kind of Plain John kind of guy he was, he didn't see the big deal about presents and surprises. He thought I was being silly or materialistic. It wasn't that way for me but I couldn't get him to see it. He didn't see the value either. I often wondered why he wouldn't just do it to make me happy, I am sure he felt the same way. Hindsight being what it is, I spend a lot of time thinking about these things when special days come up now.

I can't beat myself up, it's over. I have often longed for a day when I could just yell "DO OVER!" like when I didn't like the outcome of something when I was a kid. You don't get those as an adult. Life is unfair that way. When I sold my house I had to pack up all of my belongings and what ever was left of Greg's, along with our daughter Carli's prized possessions, most certainly her play kitchen. I was having lots of flash backs about things that I packed. One of those things was a lifetime supply of bath salts and bubble bath courtesy of BJ's Wholesale from my husband for Christmas. That was about all he got me. I was really upset at the time but I didn't let on. Bath products?! Well, I do take a lot of baths in the winter to warm up, but still. I laughed as I packed up what was left of it. I did enjoy it after all. He knew it was something I'd use. He liked to give practical gifts, things that were useful. He just wanted me to use what he'd given me instead of wearing some trinket once or twice and banishing it to the jewelry box never to be seen again. I do that a lot actually. He made fun of all of my handbags and scores of jewelry. I have too much of that stuff and I tire of it easily. He paid attention to my habits. More than I knew. Carli's play kitchen was the first real project of a gift that we gave Carli. Christmas Eve we put it together after she went to bed. No problem we thought, it should take an hour or two at the most. We poured drinks and got busy. As I kept pulling parts out of the box I started to see that the parts were lettered into the triple letters. This was not a good sign. A few drinks and four hours later we were almost done. Alas, one of the last parts was missing drill holes that it needed to finish the job. Greg wanted to put it back in the box and return it but we came too far. "Go get your cordless drill" I demanded. I was so tired, I just wanted it to be over and go to bed. Up from the basement he came with drill and drill bits in hand. He fumbled around with the bits, trying to figure out what one to use. "Just stick the drill bit into the hole the screw is supposed to go into in the other piece of wood and then you'll know what size bit to use", I couldn't believe he hadn't thought of that. "Well, excuse me Bob Villa" he shouted, feeling a little sheepish that his wife had outsmarted him in the Tools department. He did as I said, we completed the kitchen and Carli's Christmas was saved. She loved it then and she still does. Every time I see her play with it, I remember all that it took to put it together.

I gave up on presents and surprises and the last Mother's Day Greg finally got it right. He did get me a practical gift but it was also very meaningful to me. He got me a potted Gerber Daisy plant. He knew I loved them and he wanted me to be able to plant them so I could enjoy them year over year. I cried. I thought it would be wonderful to be able to water my daisies and tell Carli how she and Daddy had given them to me so many years ago. It was the nicest thing he ever got me. It showed me that he was thinking about what I really like and what I would enjoy. Not to mention, he really wanted me to get on that flower bed out in front of the house. Okay, so he had an ulterior motive but it was still really thoughtful. I cherished that plant. I will never forget that Mother's Day. I was my last one with Greg and my most memorable. Thank you for thinking of me, Honey.

There will be new memories on Mother's Day, I know. This one will be hard but they'll get easier, right? What I will do is dress me and my lovely daughter up and go to a nice Mother's Day brunch after church. I might even ask someone to take a picture of us at the table. Maybe a walk on the beach afterwards and call my mom. Then it will just be another Sunday.

Dads, Kids, Significant Others please, make it as special as you can for Mom. She deserves it. You just don't know how many of these you will be celebrating together so treat it like her last, for me and for Mom.

Paradise Found or Lost?

I am trying to remember how I got to the part where I arrived in Key West for the first time. One of my close friends was getting married, or at least she was engaged and told me it would be a destination wedding. It was so far off at the time, I agreed to be there for the beachside nuptials. I did remember throughout last year that I was going to Key West but honestly, I was just thinking "Florida" and I wasn't really all that geared up for it other than to see a friend marry. I couldn't picture how grand it must be and why everyone was making such a big deal out of it when I told them I was going there. I guess having left the country for a lot of my vacations I couldn't see how another state could be all that unforgettable.

Flash forward, my husband dies about 5 months before the wedding. We had discussed going and if we could use our timeshare before he passed but he wasn't that anxious to go either. He had other reasons for not wanting to go but still, he was not eager to get things moving in terms of securing our timeshare in Key West. As time got closer I debated on going to the wedding at all. I didn't know if I'd want to sit through a wedding having just buried my husband months before but I also needed the time away. Sun, sand and sharing a wonderful time in a friend's life, I suddenly found myself needing to go instead of just wanting to go. I booked my trip during lunch at work, happy to find the deal of a lifetime on expedia.com

I went back and forth on the trip from there. I even bought traveler's insurance just in case I wanted to back out. I couldn't even explain my flip-flopping. I was just so unsure about going somewhere to just have a good time. The day came and I got on the plane. I was anxious to see what Key West looked like for the first time since the trip got mentioned. The flight was uneventful until my boss kept calling me about issues at the office and I had to stand on the tarmac at Miami Airport outside my puddle-jumper trying to explain what needed explaining. Now I was stressed. I got on my little plane and looked out the window the whole way there. Beautiful turquoise water and lots of little islands. Palm trees that I love so much were waving everywhere below. Someone please land this plane already!

I got off my little plane and walked in the teeny tiny airport. I was laughing as it reminded me of the airport on the 80's sitcom "Wings". They even have Cape Air there! Seems odd but true. A short cab ride and I was at my hotel, which was about a billion light years from downtown. I discovered the reason why all the hotels in downtown were so booked. Turns out if you are planning a wedding, try to plan it not on Parrot Head week. The drunken, mid-life parrots had booked everything within reason on the main street. I checked in and headed towards Duval St. It was not at all what I thought. It was lined on both sides with people and bars. I needed to wait for my friends so I sat down at a little outside bar called The Tree House. So appropriate. I ordered a drink and people watched. As far as I am concerned I could people watch for hours so I was not watching my time at all but eventually my friends made their way over to where I was after several text messages.

The best day was the day I spent by myself actually. I got a massage and a facial and went shopping by myself. I felt as though I really got to take this little 4x2 island in and I fell in love with it. So much goes on here. Art, Culture and an eclectic mix of people and tourists. It keeps walks around Key West interesting. I love art and there are plenty of galleries to stroll around in. The only thing that annoyed me was the cliche Wyland galleries.

The wedding was beautiful and the bride was glowing. It was a very small beach wedding but the intimacy of the whole thing was very special. Palm trees were right on the beach and the water was calm. If you want a beach wedding, this is the place to have one. You couldn't ask for better scenery. She had what she wanted for her wedding and that was what was important. Another thing to love about Key West. Beautiful sandy weddings and they happen on Smather's beach nearly every day. Brides line the beach. Some weddings elaborate and some very small. Doesn't matter, everyone looks perfect. I am always happy to see couples marry. So much hope for the future in those faces as they stand across from each other holding hands.

Now I am here for the 3rd time in a year. I've been here for 3 months. The novelty of being here in The Keys has worn off some. Maybe because it is just getting "normal" for me to see the things that enchanted me before. The people watching is still fun. It always will. be. There are at least two cruise ships full of clueless tourists that get dumped off to wander around for hours aimlessly. If you don't mind darting around them and saying "excuse me" a lot it is kind of entertaining. Although, waking up to palm trees, roosters and beautiful flowering trees and vines do make the day start off fresh. Maybe I need more time at the beach, not sure. Maybe I need more friends or some more focus. Could be that. I am hanging out where most people long to vacation. Imagine that? How can you love to visit but feel so "same ole, same ole" if you spend more time here? My opinion will probably change tomorrow but for now Key West is a beautiful place that feels like it is getting ordinary. Nevertheless, the chickens keep me and Carli pretty occupied on our walks and I love being warm and having some color on my skin.