Mother's Day Blues

Everywhere I turn are signs for Mother's Day. "Remember Mom", "Send flowers for Mother's Day", there are countless commercials on TV and radio these days, clamoring for everyone's Mother's Day business. Normally, I'd be anxious about Mother's Day but for different reasons than this year. I am sad and anxious this Mother's Day because it is the first one I will be spending as a single mother. Oh sure, Carli will make me a card or something and her school is having a Mommy and Me Tea Party this Friday but it isn't the same. No one will be shopping for me on Carli's behalf for sappy, heartfelt cards and presents. There won't be any dinners to be taken out to this Sunday for me. I guess what is sticking in my craw is no surprises this year. What ever is done for me this Mother's Day will really be done by me for Mother's Day. I am not feeling sorry for myself, mind you and it isn't about the presents. It is about who is missing to celebrate it with me, Greg, my late husband.

Greg was not a good present giver. This always bothered me. I would lament about Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas every year. I would hope that one of these times, he would do something really special, that he would go all out and really "wow" me. He never did. My friends would get jewelry, trips to the spa, and surprise weekends away. Not me. I usually got whatever he could pick up last minute or gifts from BJ's Wholesale Club. One year I got a space heater for Christmas. Practical? Yes. Romantic? No. I never let on that I was disappointed. He was very sensitive and I didn't want to hurt his feelings but the lack of planning and forethought always made me feel like I wasn't worth it. It wasn't the intent but it was the result.

We had problems communicating because we needed to feel loved in different ways. I like presents and physical touch. He liked compliments and time spent with him. This was very difficult for me as I didn't think I needed to fawn over him and bring in a marching band in my house whenever he did his quarterly dish duties and getting me to sit down and watch twenty year-old reruns of Magnum P.I. when I had laundry to do and lunches to make was nearly impossible and it made him sad. I didn't see the value in what he wanted. Being the kind of Plain John kind of guy he was, he didn't see the big deal about presents and surprises. He thought I was being silly or materialistic. It wasn't that way for me but I couldn't get him to see it. He didn't see the value either. I often wondered why he wouldn't just do it to make me happy, I am sure he felt the same way. Hindsight being what it is, I spend a lot of time thinking about these things when special days come up now.

I can't beat myself up, it's over. I have often longed for a day when I could just yell "DO OVER!" like when I didn't like the outcome of something when I was a kid. You don't get those as an adult. Life is unfair that way. When I sold my house I had to pack up all of my belongings and what ever was left of Greg's, along with our daughter Carli's prized possessions, most certainly her play kitchen. I was having lots of flash backs about things that I packed. One of those things was a lifetime supply of bath salts and bubble bath courtesy of BJ's Wholesale from my husband for Christmas. That was about all he got me. I was really upset at the time but I didn't let on. Bath products?! Well, I do take a lot of baths in the winter to warm up, but still. I laughed as I packed up what was left of it. I did enjoy it after all. He knew it was something I'd use. He liked to give practical gifts, things that were useful. He just wanted me to use what he'd given me instead of wearing some trinket once or twice and banishing it to the jewelry box never to be seen again. I do that a lot actually. He made fun of all of my handbags and scores of jewelry. I have too much of that stuff and I tire of it easily. He paid attention to my habits. More than I knew. Carli's play kitchen was the first real project of a gift that we gave Carli. Christmas Eve we put it together after she went to bed. No problem we thought, it should take an hour or two at the most. We poured drinks and got busy. As I kept pulling parts out of the box I started to see that the parts were lettered into the triple letters. This was not a good sign. A few drinks and four hours later we were almost done. Alas, one of the last parts was missing drill holes that it needed to finish the job. Greg wanted to put it back in the box and return it but we came too far. "Go get your cordless drill" I demanded. I was so tired, I just wanted it to be over and go to bed. Up from the basement he came with drill and drill bits in hand. He fumbled around with the bits, trying to figure out what one to use. "Just stick the drill bit into the hole the screw is supposed to go into in the other piece of wood and then you'll know what size bit to use", I couldn't believe he hadn't thought of that. "Well, excuse me Bob Villa" he shouted, feeling a little sheepish that his wife had outsmarted him in the Tools department. He did as I said, we completed the kitchen and Carli's Christmas was saved. She loved it then and she still does. Every time I see her play with it, I remember all that it took to put it together.

I gave up on presents and surprises and the last Mother's Day Greg finally got it right. He did get me a practical gift but it was also very meaningful to me. He got me a potted Gerber Daisy plant. He knew I loved them and he wanted me to be able to plant them so I could enjoy them year over year. I cried. I thought it would be wonderful to be able to water my daisies and tell Carli how she and Daddy had given them to me so many years ago. It was the nicest thing he ever got me. It showed me that he was thinking about what I really like and what I would enjoy. Not to mention, he really wanted me to get on that flower bed out in front of the house. Okay, so he had an ulterior motive but it was still really thoughtful. I cherished that plant. I will never forget that Mother's Day. I was my last one with Greg and my most memorable. Thank you for thinking of me, Honey.

There will be new memories on Mother's Day, I know. This one will be hard but they'll get easier, right? What I will do is dress me and my lovely daughter up and go to a nice Mother's Day brunch after church. I might even ask someone to take a picture of us at the table. Maybe a walk on the beach afterwards and call my mom. Then it will just be another Sunday.

Dads, Kids, Significant Others please, make it as special as you can for Mom. She deserves it. You just don't know how many of these you will be celebrating together so treat it like her last, for me and for Mom.

The New Chapter

As I sit amongst humidity and palm trees on this pleasant little patch in the ocean, my mind is on Boston. I put my house on the market before I left on my road trip, fully thinking it would take some time to sell it and that I might not be able to take as long as I wanted if I had to keep paying my mortgage for an extended period of time. Financial responsibilities were definitely a factor, as they should. Much to my surprise, my house was on the market for less than a couple of weeks. My mind then went to how I would get back to Boston, when did I want to go there, and what to do with my "stuff". I have a lot of stuff. Some mine, some my late husband's, some my baby girl's. No matter where I ended up, it is sure to not have 2 living rooms, a dining room and 3 to 4 bedrooms. What was I going to do with all of this? Another answer to prayer. I am downsizing and the buyer's are upsizing. They will take whatever stuff I don't want. Marvelous! Things are really falling into place and quickly. I can hardly keep my head straight with it. I am amazed at how fast things are moving. I keep reminding myself and others that I am not pacing this adventure, rather it seems to be pacing me. I am just going with the flow and seeing what happens. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. Major change does that.

Speaking of change, I was desperate for it. Sitting in my home, the house Greg and I made was depressing. He loved that house, in fact, he bid on it without telling me and we won the bid on the offer. He was so excited when he told me that they accepted the offer and we got the house. I was so furious that our first big purchase together was made without my knowledge. Truth was, I didn't love the house, he did. We moved in and I did end up liking it some or at least living with it but a split-level in the middle of no where and an hour from my friends and family was not what I had in mind as far as settling down. I decorated around the ugly teal tile floors and gross turquoise counter tops. Yes, you read that right. I should be on "Design on a Dime" I feel like I managed to decorate around the worst of flooring and counter faux pas. The size of the house and the remoteness of almost 2 acres of land and no neighbors within a quarter mile in any direction made me uneasy being by myself with a 3 year old. If anything happened to us, no one would know. I wanted to be around people who would know to knock on my door if they hadn't seen me in a few days and a little less isolated so that others would know who should or would come and go from my house. I had none of that and I can't use the riding lawn mower any way, nor do I care to. I wanted something manageable and quaint.

This leaves me with today. I am glad the house is sold. I am glad to be out of Rockland, MA. and I am glad to be on to something and where new. That doesn't mean I am not sad to let go of the past. It is not easy to change no matter how much it is needed. I am reflecting a lot. I am pondering all that I need to do and what needs to go where and realizing that as of April 12th, I will probably never see that house again or at least not like I used to. The old really is passing away and it is making way for the new. It's a good thing, but it isn't a good feeling. It means I really am moving on and making a new life. There is part of me that wishes I didn't have to do that and part of me that wants to plow forward and make all this worth something in the end. I am conflicted. Most people are when there are where I am at. I am not afraid to change, I've done it many times and always come out much better in the end. It's just the "I can't see the whole picture" part but then again, that is what I trust God for.

Next up, hopefully manatees with cousin Laurie.

Stay tuned....

The Road Well Travelled

The Road Well-Traveled

The second day was much the same and very different. We started out from Baltimore around 10:30 AM. We had a lovely morning with Neil and Channa Basia. Their home is spacious and tranquil. It was hard to leave. Hues of blue and lavender through out and the quiet of no electronic noise of TVs and radios made it almost spa-like. Neil and Channa Basia's aura is calm and peaceful. They speak thoughtfully and softly. Channa Basia's placid face is always a refreshing sight for a harried life. No wonder Neil has been married to her for so long. Their diligent spirituality can be sensed in every corner of their life and home. But alas, we had South Carolina on our minds and we had to travel on. We took pictures and said good-bye.

I was a little alarmed to punch in our next destination on my GPS to find that Columbia, SC was a solid 8 plus hours for Baltimore. For some reason I thought it was more like 5. Hoping there was some cosmic or technical error we started off down 95 South. We didn't get off of 95 South for the rest of the trip. If you're thinking that Virginia is not that big, it is if you are driving through it in a straight line for hours on end. I was ready to see "Welcome To...." . Welcome to anything other than Virginia. It seemed like days. I was happy to see stimulus money going to rebuild roads on the highway but did they have to work on my time? Delays due to construction were a plenty. Carli had a hankering for pancakes about noon time and we stopped at IHOP. That was the only pancake house I recognized although there is a Waffle House on every corner, not to mention Cracker Barrel. Pancake time was my excuse to write while silver dollar pancakes were being enjoyed by one smiley little girl across the table. When pancake time was over it was time to head south again. Curious George started on the DVD player for the hundredth time and a happy Carli giggled on down the road while I steered lazily, trying not to become entranced by the lines.

I kept checking the GPS for updates and it kept telling me 9:30 PM was my arrival time to Columbia, SC. As much as I wanted to wish my ETA was sooner, it wasn't. I had to accept it was another long day. Carli did fantastic again. She doesn't mind the drive at all. Occasionally she got bored and whiney but nothing I couldn't deal with. Snacks and movies kept her entertained during our 11 hour drive. I was so happy that at least she was content. I was very bored. I hadn't really had a face-to-face conversation with another adult in a few days aside from very friendly wait staff during meal times. The friendliness of southern folk is a little off-putting to a conservative northern girl. I am naturally skeptical of nice strangers. I was feeling desperate for companionship and adult interaction. There would be none today.

95 South from southern Virginia to South Carolina looks like the same one mile stretch of road replayed for hours on end. The same everything. The same road, the same bill boards, the same gas stations and rest stops. It is a perfect straight line of similarity. I was getting tired of looking at the repetition. Travel on I did. I seemed to miss the Welcome To South Carolina sign as I crossed to border from the North. The thing that did strike me on my drive through the Carolinas was the pine trees. Loads and loads of pine trees. I also noticed a lot of ads for log cabin homes. I envisioned what a log cabin home would be like on the inside and where I would want to have one if I were to make one my own. I concluded that it would probably have to be country-like in decoration and my contemporary flare would not work out well for a log cabin home. Maybe a vacation house on a lake but that is about it. Maybe I can add a log cabin on the lake to my "Bucket List". I was then distracted and annoyed by all the South of Border signs. Who cares?

At exactly the expected time, I arrived at my cousin Damon's house. He was a sight for sore eyes. I hadn't seen him or his family in quiet a while and I hadn't been to SC since his wedding more than 7 years ago. I still felt like I knew where everything was and the surroundings were familiar to me. I really love South Carolina. In fact, I love southern living. I know my mom wouldn't like to hear that but it's true. I don't see myself in Massachusetts for the rest of my life. The southern way of living is much better suited for me. I enjoy how the southerners live and treat others. I also notice that things are cleaner around here and I would love a Saw Palmetto in my yard. You can't have those in Boston.

Next stop is Savannah, GA. I can't wait to see it. For now, we will visit with family and reminisce. The kids are playing and Carli is enjoying the break from the road. So am I. I am still in my PJs and it is noon as of this writing. I love my simpler life so far.
Stay tuned....