Dispelling the Demons

I consider myself a relatively confident person. Sure, I had my insecurities in teenage years and early adulthood but I thought I was well passed that stage until recently. The last year and a half have been trying for me. Major life changes have left me a bit weary and pondering the future. I weathered them well or better than I expected and I am grateful to say that. However, there were scars and I have recently acknowledged them.

This period of time has definitely had its positives. I was isolated enough from friends and family so I could get my head around my past and what I would like my future to look like. Much time was given to prayer and contemplation, even dreaming of the next chapter in life. There was also a lot of mourning and tears. Truth be told, I suppose I had a few too many counseling sessions with Dr. Haagen Daz. In short, I gained a bit of weight. In fact, I needed to lose a good fifteen pounds before I gained this weight so the effects have been a bit disappointing to look at in the mirror.

I have taken some positive steps. I have a diet plan that I have been following well and I joined a gym and have been faithful to go and follow a workout schedule. The momentum is there and so is the motivation. Still, especially when I am in the gym with lots of full-length mirrors, I catch glimpses of my new body and I don't like what I see. I don't like it at all. It is tough to not look too long. When I find myself lingering in the mirror I turn away and go on to something else but there are demons. Demons are those little voices that discourage you. At times mine spend a lot of time talking to me. It all depends on if I want to listen or not as I have come to understand. It seems when I give ear to my demons, even just a little, they decide to pull up a chair next to my mind's ear and go on talking even when I don't want to. Or do I?

I have long said that we have to invite negative thoughts to participate in our lives. We have to listen in order to hear those voices that say "It's not that you've failed, it's that you are a failure". Intellectually I can tell myself that isn't true but when I invite the demons to go on with their reasoning for why I am a failure they are all to happy to give examples. They even bring up other failures, even if they are not related, to back up their story.

I don't want to listen any more. I have had a taste of what it was like to be a teenager again and rate myself according to my inner voice and I am firing my demons. They don't own me. They don't tell me the truth. They want me to be sad and give up. Then they win. When I feel this way, I talk to those who build me up and encourage me. They tell me to go on when the demons want to beat me up. They tell me I am great when the demons tell me I am a fraud. I know who my encouragers are. I keep mental note of those that seem to make me feel good just by a word, or a chat over coffee. Most of my encouragers openly share that they pray for me. They make it a point to check in with me either by phone or email and just see how I am doing. With encouragers in my life, I can move on quickly. Thankfully, there is another inner voice that reminds me of what my encouragers say when the demons want to speak to me more often than not. I am so glad that I have learned that. It took training. It took a conscious effort to do but I learned to do it purposefully and regularly until it was automatic. Sometimes my training needs a refresher. I really don't like being my own "Debby Downer".

Do you have encouragers in your life? Who are they? Make a list, check it twice. Even better to be an encourager. It makes you feel terrific. I make a habit of smiling at others, asking how a cashier's day is going in the grocery store or telling toll booth operators to "have a nice day". Think of it, trying to cheerful will actually make you cheery. I love that. It takes more muscles to frown than smiling and frowning too long will give you a headache.

Integrity. Honesty. Discipline. Kindness. Bravery. They are some of the components that make up character. I don't hear a lot about character but I have spent some time thinking about it recently. Character isn't really something that is said about someone so much as it is an observance that is often described in pieces rather than the whole.

We can exhibit aspects of good character even emulate them if they are not actually part of our inherit being in some situations. A person who is not necessarily giving can sporadically donate a lot of time or money to a certain cause that seems to spark their interest and ignore or reject other requests for the same without hesitation or explanation. A fearful person can overcome their anxieties if prompted to do so by a set of circumstances.

These examples can be mistakenly used by observers to measure character only to disappoint when the person of whom they so highly regarded before has fallen short of the lofty expectations that were slapped on them like a label for one given shining moment in their life. It happens all the time. It has even happened to me. I've often done it to myself. I have given into the hype of what others have to say and become remarkably ashamed when I don't feel like I am living up to the pedestal I have been put on. I cringe when others tell me that I am their 'inspiration' or they admire me so much for all I have done. I sit silently in the wake of their smiling glow and ponder, would they say the same thing if they knew about all the things I have done unbeknownst to them?

"Character is what you do when no one is looking". I think that is mostly true, or it tends to be, but I think from my own observances and study of people historically regarded as having great character that it is more of an engrained pattern of behavior. Character is built, not something you are born with. Character comes from, I believe many failings, hardships and the person's abilities to learn from those things. I have done some pretty stupid things when I thought no one would find out about it. Funny thing is, people usually do find out about it and then of course you know the rest of that story. I wouldn't have said and still don't that those individual situations were the result of my character. They were bad decision making based on a specific chain of events. If you didn't know me, you would naturally make an assumption that the scenario and the cascading results were exactly who I was. That is not true but try and prove it in court. Get it?

Israel's King David from biblical history tells us that he was "a man after God's own heart". That is some title! King David did some really wonderful things and he overcame mighty opposition even within his own family. If you were to not really know anything else about him, you'd think he had to be something close to perfect given the incredible sentiment he is known for. King David also did some really lousy things to people very close to him. For one, he slept with the wife of a close associate of his. When he learned that she was now pregnant he arranged for her husband's execution and involved others in this mission. He was successful in what he set out to do. He did a great disservice to his country, his family and his God with this decision. Was this the true nature of his character? Not at all. Thankfully, this travesty doesn't immediately come to mind when most think of him. He was lucky.

Tiger Woods is an unfortunate example. When news broke of his first affair I thought to myself, "okay, he screwed up. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water". After about a dozen women also came forward my thinking changed to "he is a lying cheat". It wasn't because of the one but the many. He had a pattern of behavior not one time of indiscretion. Now, this is what he is known for not his amazing golf playing and the brunt of many jokes. His character has been reduced to one of laughability. What a sad state.

When judging someone's character, one must be very careful. Judging is something none of us have any room or merit for since we all fall short of who we really are truly. I believe that most people are basically good at the core albeit incredibly selfish. We set out with the right intentions but may factors come into play in our lives that drive what the result is in the end, our nature.
What I've learned in all this is to take a person and their behavior for what it's worth and factor in my past experiences with them and decide if this is someone who possesses the character that I'd like to be associated with. For we are not only judged by our own character but that of our known crowd. To be totally blunt, if you don't like any of your friends you might want to evaluate who you really are while you are complaining about them. Water does seek its own level.

The good news is that people can change. They usually want to change when they have had a heartbreaking realization who they are and a great desire to be something else. I've had the privilege of witnessing hundreds of literal transformations of life. What a wonderful thing to witness!

The Greatness

There is one in every circle of friends and associates. The one that when their name gets mentioned, someone will inevitably say "they are amazing" or "they are an inspiration", something to that effect. There are less of them than the others, unfortunately. They usually know that as well. There is something that stands out, maybe it is a dignity or a comfort about life. Their aura can be almost mystical sometimes. You don't know what it is about them but there is something that draws you in. What is that? Some kind of super power? I have a theory.

I love to be around these kinds of people. I like to sit and talk to them, really hear what they say. I observe how they are to others and what they say, or rather do not say about other people. I study their demeanor. One of the ones that comes to mind is a woman I went to church with. She is one of those people who would not stand out in a crowd, literally and figuratively. She is a petite woman of conservative dress, simple hair and no makeup. She is a seasoned mother and grandmother. She is a wife and a good, loving friend. She speaks softly and deliberately. When she does voice her opinion, it comes from knowledge of the subject and wisdom in experience. She has earned the respect of those in our church and they love to confide in her and seek encouragement. There is an ominous, quiet dignity about her. She is not boastful or proud. You wouldn't call her outspoken but when she has the floor, you are paying attention. She glows in her silence sometimes. There is a beauty in her presence that Chanel and Lancome could never put in a bottle. I believe what produces that is restoration through suffering. What you wouldn't know about her until you get to know her is how difficult her life was at points along the way. To be sure, she has been through quite a bit. Destructive relationships, financial hardships, unkindness at the hands of others at times made her broken. These trials though, did not kill her spirit. They were used somehow in a way that fortified her and made her a better being than she was before. These scars healed into something beautiful and useful and in ways she could have never imagined at the time.

Another personal example are two women that I know that suffer great physical trials. Their stories are different. They do not suffer from the same illnesses, have the same lifestyle or even know each other but I think of them every day. Endless doctors appointments, medications, treatments and sometimes little hope and no real answers can weigh on them. For both of them, the cure and the next chapter in health is not foreseeable. They both go on though. They go on in victory anyway. To speak to them you will hear the same types of things, what they are grateful for, how much they love their families, appreciate their friendships and that they care deeply for others around them. They love to encourage. How could two people who can struggle to meet the day sometimes be so willing to cheer others on and tell you what they love about life? Their struggles have taught them well. They could have both just lain in their beds and called it a day when it came to life. I don't think anyone would have argued with them but we would have missed out on a lot for not having them around to be introduced to us and teach us to be glad to be well and pay attention to what is going on around us. To them, they need others to understand how beautiful life really is, regardless.

Conversely, I have met more than my fair share of whiners. They are constantly gnawing at my time and peace with how much they hate their job, their living situation, their financial situation, andwhat is wrong with their friends. They love to talk about other people and criticize them. If you ask them how their day was it is more or less "I'm breathing" or "It was a day". They groan every Monday and tell everyone around them about how miserable it is to start a new week. They might go on to say other things but generally that is where they lose me. It seems as though not much is going on in their lives but man, do they have a lot to complain about! What brings that on? Why so little peace in their lives? Some will even try to make up their minds to be more positive but the efforts produce little if any fruit in most of them.

I submit that the wisdom and peace in life is earned. In my observances, the satisfaction of life flows more easily through those that have been wounded by it. Such a paradoxical thing to think about it. Peace comes from trial and dissatisfaction from too little of it? Seems to be true. Of the "Greats" in my life, they have been forged from raw metal into a precious work of art. Have you ever seen a sword being made? It starts out as dull looking, dark, plain metal. It is heated, hammer and bent. The process causes great stress to the metal but it has to be melted and pounded until it reaches its desired length and shape. Next it is soldered and etched leaving permanent marks on the metal. Once that is done, it is doused in water and buffed and polished until it shines. A sight to behold. You would not recognize the finished product from the raw material that it started as. You would want to have the finished one, not the piece it was before it was crafted. I look at life the same way. We are crafted by it with the trials and the sufferings we endure. Those who are fortunate enough to endure become something greater than they once were. The magnetic draw they have is a product of the process. We seek to be as they are and we get the gift of having them share with us what they learned in the forging. What a treasure it is to be around such people. If only more of us would seek to retain the knowledge and be humbled by it instead of trotting off, unaware of what we have been given in search of our own answers.

The Art of Discouragement

It's an amazing and fragile thing, the human ego. We verbalize that we need encouragement, await kind words that let us know that something we are doing measures up with our family and our peers. Encouragement from a perfect stranger seems to be even more welcome because they really have no stake in bringing words of approval, like maybe our mom would. Giving encouragement to another is like speaking life into their dreams especially if one is taking on something new. There will always be that small voice in the back of our minds, whispering in our ear that we can't do what we set out to or that we are not good enough. It's just a fact of life. It is amazing how attentive it is to what others say to us if we don't know how to manage it.

I started noticing an interesting phenomenon with myself over the last 5 years or so. I started paying attention to how I reacted to what people said and situations in which others would speak "words of wisdom" to me, particularly discouragement. Why I honed in on discouragement is easy. It stands out because while you may be encouraged far more than discouraged, negative comments seem to have far more weight and a bigger effect on your outlook on things. Close your eyes and think of something that you were working on, something you were proud of. Maybe you were making a career change or trying something new. Perhaps you started a new business venture. Think about how excited you were. You wanted to tell everyone what it was that you were working on. It was special to you. I want you to think of a time when someone said words to you about that dream you had that were damaging. Maybe they told you "that business is hard to break into" or "I knew a friend or had a brother who did that, it didn't work out". Ponder the feelings that were attached to hearing those words. Chances are you will feel them quite readily. You probably recalled them more than once and possibly the same words when you took on another challenge. Now think about all the people that encouraged you along the way in your venture. What did they say? Can you think of more than one? How do those feelings resonate. Not the same I am sure.

The way discouragement effects us is something of an art. Why is it that hundreds of people can give us hugs, smiles, life-giving words, help us realize our dreams, listen intently while we talk about something important, all those people that want us to feel good about ourselves and yet one person can say one thing that could completely change our outlook on the outcome of our goals. One person? Yes, one person. One person can get us thinking and recalculating our plan in an instant. Reverifying our plans to make sure we hadn't missed anything based on their observations or negative experiences seems in order as we think about what they said. We will repeat those words back to those that have always encouraged us and they will say "don't pay attention to them" but we do. A discouraging remark from a second person can send us doubting our abilities. What about the others who have been standing by us, bringing us along with their support? What about them? Doesn't what they say and do for us matter?

Here is where my analysis comes in. I started paying attention to the people that would say things to me when I would speak of my dreams or what I projects I had been working on. I began to slow down the conversation in my mind, not react and try to gain some perspective as to why they would say the things they would say. One recent exchange was a stranger that I met at a party on the beach. Since I don't know a lot of people where I am currently living, when people meet me they usually have a lot of questions such as where I am from, what my marital status is and what I do for work. I was speaking with one woman about my career change from Sales professional to writer and the first book that I have been working on. A man that had been walking by to the food table stopped and stood behind my listener as I was telling her about the context of the book, what my plans were for its completion and how far along I was. As we were conversing, the stranger interjected. Barreling himself into the conversation unannounced, my listener spun around to see who was talking. He began with the statement that his brother had written a book and he had no success in getting it published. He continued to say that I shouldn't count on my book being a success since I was a new writer. It is just too hard to debut a book from an author no one has heard of. He wrapped up his expert advice to me by saying he was just trying to help me be realistic with my plans. With those words, he walked away. Why on earth would someone want to do that to a person they had never even met before? What benefited him in bringing his brothers experience to my attention and then following it up as proof that my dreams would folly? There can be lots of reasons why his brother's book was not a success. Content, context, writing style, timing and type of publisher can all be the make or break of a new book. It may have been that his brother only approached one publisher or that he might not have sought the help he could have used to get his manuscript read by the right people. I'll never know but someone's bad experience doesn't mean everyone else's dreams are doomed to fail. The problem is, I think about what he said a lot. Thankfully I can dismiss it when it comes to mind but it is looming in the back of my brain somewhere, pricking at my optimism.
People with negative outlooks on life usually tend to cause a lot of their own failure. They are easily turned away from what they pursue because they are always looking for evidence that what they are doing is going to fail. They tend to almost overlook their successes. They try to temper another's ambitions with negativity disguised as "being realistic". They like to discourage because it makes them feel better about the times that they've missed out on success. They don't even mean to be so damaging. Perhaps they grew up in a home with other negative people and discouragement was served as routinely as breakfast before school. Negative people tend to like to be around like-minded people so they are usually being fed the same messages, over and over again. Do you know any really successful negative people? I don't.

I have had the great experience of doing some work with the MIT Sloan School of Management in my Sales career. They have a club and a contest every year for their MBA program that teaches these candidates concepts and skills with Sales that they will need to be successful in likely founding their own businesses. When I have helped with their annual International Sales Competition with other renowned business schools that span the globe, I have had the pleasure of spending time with some of the best and brightest minds in business. We come together to judge the competition of the candidates. I sit shoulder to shoulder with people who hold executive positions with some of the largest and most successful international businesses out there. You would readily recognize the logos on their business cards. I tell you this because their outlook on life and pursuit of dreams is markedly different than that of the "Negative Nelly/Ned". These individuals to be sure have had many failures. They've been fired, had businesses fail, had key projects implode and invested in things that didn't pan out. Given their stories, some would have wondered why they kept going. Maybe business or invention wasn't really for them. Isn't that what our negative friends would say? I am sure they heard plenty of those words. I am positive that they remember them as well but they didn't let it deter them from what they had set out to achieve. They are positive people. They are not fixed on the failing but looking for the keys to achieve the goal in mind. They have learned that failing is part of success and there is no need to fear or turn away, it is more or less just a part of the process not a marker for abilities or outcomes. When you talk to these folks about ideas and goals, they get excited. They want to encourage and impart wisdom in the right way. They will be all too willing to point you to people they know can help you be successful. It is like as a rite of passage for achievement. They have a duty to help others be successful in any way they can and they do.

So it comes to this. Do you want to listen to a person who has perfected the art of discouragement and who is likely not successful in their goals either or do you want to learn from positive people who have failed and persevered to come out shining in the end? How will you let the comments of others affect how you pursue your career, realize your dreams or your future? I encourage you to spend some time with a successful person this week. Someone who has done something you admire and just take in their being. If you don't know any, I have plenty of numbers to give you. They'd be happy to talk.

Trash Day

After my usual routine of dropping off Carli at pre-school yesterday, I had the occasion to catch a bit of a sermon from one of my favorite broadcasted pastors, Dr. Stanley. I like Dr. Stanley because he always says one thing that fixes my attention on what he is saying, "listen". He says this word very often during his sermons and with my attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy, the redirection of hearing the word "listen" when he is about to make a point is a welcome interruption to my ever wandering mind.

Of what his main point was in yesterday's delivery, I don't know. What I do know is what he spoke of for the last five minutes of his address, resentment. I know that resentment is a poisonous affliction that many of us have fallen ill with from time to time. I have struggled with it like everyone. I have let things go with others, thought that I have forgiven only to find myself simmering in the same old feelings all over again. I get upset with myself for the exercise of rehashing, chide myself for once again choosing to feel hurt and unjustified in my pain when I know that I don't have to. No one is making me relive the events and feel the feelings. I am electing to do it. Why? I am not telling you I have the answers. I am just telling on myself so you know that you are not alone.

What Dr. Stanley said was this and please allow me to paraphrase "carrying around resentment is like dragging around a bag of garbage with you all day". When he said that, I put my mind to the task of really picturing that scenario. I thought of a big, green plastic bag full of trash. I thought of what it would be like to sack around with me. I've taken out the trash at my house plenty of times. A full bag of trash weighs a lot. For a 5' 3" woman like myself, it is awkward to pick up and carry out of the house, never mind lift into the barrel outside. On a hot summer day as we have had lately, trash smells really rotten. When I have to lift the lid to put another bag inside, I hold my breath and pray that I can get the chore done and close the lid before I have to inhale again. No matter how long I have held my breath, I can still smell that awful odor as I walk away. You can't escape it. No other smell comes close. It has it's own unique odor. If you say "it smells like trash" everyone knows what you are talking about.

I thought of this trash scenario and what it would be like if I didn't put my trash in the barrel. What if I left it in the back of my car and drove around with it all day? What would my car smell like on a sunny Floridian summer day of almost 100 degrees if I left my trash in the back of my SUV? Would anyone want a ride in my car? Would I want to get in? How would my drive be if I had to sit along side my rotting, smelly trash every day? I pondered as Dr. Stanley spoke. Wrinkling my nose automatically at the thought. It made my throat feel tight.

I love his analogy. It fits perfectly when I think of resentment. By choosing to relive hurt and conjure up feelings of anger and hurt towards another, I am volunteering myself to carry around a big bag of trash all day long. I am choosing to drive around with it in my car, sit along side it in my house and lay down next to it in my bed. When I want to vent my resentment to others I am really lifting the lid to my trash barrel and asking people to stick their head in and grab a big whiff of the smell. Is this really what I want to do, to make my day full of refuse? That's what it really is. It is the aftermath of a situation or conversation that you can do nothing about. It is over and it is too late to change the results. You can decide to throw the effects away or carry it around with you. Problem with carrying it around is that with each passing day, it starts to stink. Failure to dispose of it leaves others around you to start to notice the stench every time you speak of your offender.

The Lesson in Less

I live in America. Being a U.S. Citizen, I have great opportunities and over the years I have learned to take advantage of them. I have gone from someone who made a minimum wage after school to an income I was well-satisfied with. I was able to afford things I never dreamed of and had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Of course, you'd think that made me very happy but it didn't. When I went from married woman to single mom suddenly, the pace and the effort it took to keep up with my appetite for living made me grow weary. I wanted more free time, I wanted less stress. I wanted less bills. I wanted less results of wanting more.

The pinnacle came as I was driving my brand new Mercedes into the city where I worked. My office was in a prestigious building right in Boston's financial district. I wore beautiful tailored suits and ate nice lunches with my coworkers. As I sat in my latest purchase, staring at the traffic and being frustrated by the wait I started to cry. I called my mother and told her that I just wanted a simpler life. I didn't want all that I'd worked for any more. It was making me miserable. If this was "it" then life could have it back. I wanted to quit my job and write a book. Her unexpected reply was "so do it". And, the next day, I did. I packed up my desk, had a few long meetings with my supervisor and Vice President and left with a box and a smile.

The time I have spent in shorts and flip flops since then has been great, mostly. I don't have to be up before dawn, I spend time with my daughter in the morning making breakfast, putting together puzzles, discussing what we'll do today, fixing her hair and leisurely getting her off to pre-school. I come home and eat breakfast and fire up my laptop to get writing. Sometimes, I don't even shower until after lunch. Easy, some would say. I sit in my tiny shoebox of a condo on the second floor in a small Key West neighborhood. I call it The Tree House because my balcony is surrounded by flowering trees and palms. My condo could have fit 4x into my old house. There is no lawn to worry about mowing, no landscaping, no nothing to do maintenance wise. I was doing okay financially. I didn't have the freedoms to spend like I did before but it was kind of a novelty to not just buy anything on a whim. I think I was playing with the idea of having less but actually seeing it in action was going to be another story.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Getting a lesson in less was coming. It is a long story but with the social security benefits I am living on plus the proceeds of my investments that I have used, I never gave a second thought to money being tight. I had enough and that was all I cared about. I was still able to get pedicures and massages, that mattered to me. I needed to get the car washed once a week, it's an unwritten rule. You need to get your car washed regularly or people will think badly of you, didn't you know that? One thing led to another in my checking account. Money went this way and that and a cash out on my investment proceeds somehow never ended up being sent like they said they would the day I called and I didn't realize that the check they were sending me wasn't coming and it had somehow been mistakenly voided and couldn't be reissued for another 30 days. Did Mr. Customer Service on the phone just say 30 days?!

I immediately logged in to my bank account to see what cleared and figure out what I absolutely needed to spend in the next week and a half. That left me with a whopping 40 dollars. I had 40 dollars to my name, for the next 10 days. How in the world does anyone live on that for what seemed to be an eternity. Impossible I thought. It can't be done. I moped, I complained to God, I felt sorry for myself, all kinds of negative things. I started to resent my decision to quit my job and be down here at the very end of Florida.

What was I going to do? I decided to give it a try. To live on my 40 dollars and not use my credit cards until my next deposit. It was great challenge but I was willing to see how little I could live on and still put food on the table and gas in my car. I took inventory of what was in my cabinets and freezer. I determined that we'd probably be okay. Instead of just going to the grocery store because it was Wednesday and that was grocery day I decided to use what ever we had to make meals. I couldn't just make what I felt like having. I had meal plans and had to stick to them. Carli wasn't getting her choice of what to have for dinner. She had to eat what I put in front of her. Quite a feat for a very picky little toddler. We had a couple of nights of crying at the table but she rallied quickly when I didn't relent and told me she was "better now" and got down to eating. Who knew? She could overcome her finicky eating habits.

The gas I had in the tank of my over-priced crossover was going to have to do. I had to fight the urge to bust out the American Express and just drive by the gas station. Gasp! I couldn't wash the car for two weeks. To top it off, I had to park my car under a tree for a couple of days and we all know what birds in trees do to cars that are underneath them. I had to drive around in shame. You know what? No one pointed and laughed. No one looked at me in disgust. It was okay. I did it but the morning my deposit hit, I was right to the car wash, no questions asked.

So where are we in my lesson? I didn't go to Starbucks, walk to the corner to get Carli ice cream or pick up any trinkets. I did go to the dollar store for trash bags and to the grocery store for the essential things that couldn't wait like milk, bread and vegetables. I had seven dollars left over after my trips to the store. The last part of the lesson came when I pulled into a gas station with my last 7 bucks and put what I could afford in cash into my car. No one starved over the last two weeks. I got to where we needed to go. I consolidated trips to places and we walked when we could. Where I ended up was leftovers in my fridge and a little less than a quarter of a tank until I got to the gas station this morning and twenty six dollars still in my checking account. I lacked nothing I needed over the last two weeks. No one went without and no one suffered anything. When we ran out of convenience breakfast foods we made pancake batter. It was fun, Carli loved it and she ate pancakes almost every morning. That is heaven to a 3 year old. When we ran out of snacks, we made sugar cookies. Fun times had by all and what beats homemade cookies anyway? I invented entrees with unlikely ingredients that I will definitely make again.

My life is much simpler. The lesson in less was not easy but it was very necessary. Even with the less that I had, I had so much more than other people right here on this very island I am hanging out on. I am blessed, still. I don't mourn the loss of shopping trips and online purchases any more. I am happy with what I have and content to make great and appreciate what I call mine. I have too much. I am thinking of ways to trim what I can to make it easier and not worry about trivial things that don't really matter and excess is definitely one of those trivial things.

Love Thy Neighbor Part 3 -Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something everyone wants. I know I do when I mess up. Oddly, it is something that most are very slow, if at all, to give away. If we all want it so badly when do we hesitate or deny it to others? Some would say, "I do forgive". I would question, think of someone who has wronged you that you think that you have forgiven. I mean someone who has really wronged you, it caused damage to the relationship. Think of them, bring them to mind. How do you feel? Pain, sorrow, anger, frustration? Anything like that? If you don't have any emotion other than the good, fuzzy feelings of friendship or love I am sorry to say, there is something between you that hasn't been forgiven. I know first hand.

Studying myself in situations of asking for and extending forgiveness I have noted a few things. First of all, asking for forgiveness is very hard. It is, if you are sincerely looking for reconciliation rather than an "I'm sorry too" in return. I know it is nice to get the other side to admit fault but it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they even apologize for something else that wasn't even what you had in mind! Oh, the complexities of relationships. In any case, the first times I earnestly sought forgiveness were and remain, very powerful and humbling experiences for me. In all but one case, there has been reconciliation on some level, meaning the relationship continued on either immediately or eventually in some way.

One example that comes to mind most readily is one that was not only hard but the recipient challenged my motives, I would say now to that person, good for you! It was someone with whom I worked along side who eventually became my supervisor. The thing between us was, as peers, we had differing views on how my program within the company should run. I created our program and he had run a successful, similar program at another office within the same company. My program was also successful. I was not very open at all to his trying to mentor me when I hadn't asked for it. Honestly, I was pretty full of my own ego and didn't appreciate him trying to deflate it either. Tensions progressed and further down the road our boss informed us that he had too many managers reporting to him and that I would roll up under this man's team. You'd have thought that our boss had punched me in the face right then and there. I was resentful. My relationship with this then peer and now boss continued to deteriorate. I was indignant, disrespectful and openly critical. I should have been fired but for some reason he didn't. I had come to a place over time where I needed this office distress to end. I hated going to work and I didn't want to find another job. I sat down, went over where my faults were in this relationship and humbly presented them to him after a regularly scheduled business meeting and asked him to forgive me. I went on to say, which I think is most important in these situations, to define what my plan was to not let this behavior continue. He surprisingly pushed back. He asked me to state examples of what I felt were my trespasses against him. I was caught off guard, took a second and then gave him one or two. He asked for more. I swallowed and pressed on, giving him more detail and some others. Something most interesting happened. His face changed. It softened, he looked almost emotional and informed me that no one had ever put him in this situation of asking forgiveness before. He thanked me and we left the conference room. Our relationship changed immediately and for the better. We went on to have many great wins in business together. It turns out, we were a very formidable force together and we remain friends and I hold him as one of my best supervisors, mentors and role models in business. Imagine that.

Harder though is extending forgiveness, mostly to those who are not seeking our forgiveness in the first place. This is my "all but one" person I referred to earlier. I find that this is so common among us. It is so hard to get through and although it causes us so much pain and emotional scarring, it seems we'd rather allow it to reek havoc rather than heal it. I am in fact, still working through this myself with this individual. This person is a family member. During a great trial in my life, this person extended help and the security of help and undying love for me and my daughter. I didn't know this person well in an up close and personal sense but I took the emotion to be genuine and accepted. Public and private promises were made and almost immediately were reneged on. Resentment welled up in me and two more disappointments lead to me, very publicly, announcing this person's wrongs and letting everyone know who I thought he really was. I don't even need to detail the extensive damaged that did to our relationship. I was angry, rage-filled and vengeful. I felt completely justified in my actions at the time. I still believe that this person did wrong me. The sticking point is, I have humbled myself to see my errors, presented these to this individual on more than one occasion not only to have my asking for forgiveness rejected but even harsher words hurled back at me. This person is not open to any communication from me or my daughter at this time. Rejection of me is fine, I've had to live with that before but when it comes to my daughter that is another thing entirely. The "Momma Bear" in me rises and I want to swipe my paw at anyone who dare harm her. I considered this person's actions to be an affront to the emotional well-being of my daughter and I couldn't let it go. The mere mention of his name, the thought of this person made my blood boil over. My jaw clenched, I never turned down the opportunity to voice how hurt and disgusted I was with this person's behavior to my family and close friends. Truth be told, I hated how I felt about this person and I wanted to let it go but I couldn't. I prayed about it, resolved to not feel this way any more, only to be disappointed to find myself angry and discussing how I felt about the situation, again. The crossroads came recently when I had to contact a company my late husband had an annuity with to find out how to close it out. I called and was informed that the paperwork for the beneficiary would be in the mail in a week. Not really paying too much attention, the mail came and to my utter shock, this individual was named as the beneficiary, not me his wife. Ironically, after I felt like I was punched in the stomach for about an hour, this pinnacle helped me let it go. I took the paperwork, put it in an envelope along with a note explaining what this person had to do, stuck it in a mailbox and walked away. Why did this bring about change? I really don't know. Maybe God was pressing me to put my prayers into action and decide if I really wanted to stop carrying around this baggage any more. Will this bring about change in our relationship? I really don't know but I am finally able to think of this person and wish them well. When the thoughts reappear of me talking to this person again and what I would say, I immediately changed the subject in my mind. I can't entertain the "who's right" argument any more. It doesn't matter. This was initially a miscommunication that needed to be resolved followed by someone not meeting my expectations and my reaction toward that. It could have been easily settled but now it may never happen. That's okay. I can leave it there without needing to open old wounds every time someone brings this person up or I think about it.

I've learned that forgiveness is an action. I need to decide to forgive and be committed to the forgiveness regardless of what happens. Easier said than done but I feel so much better having put this into practice. I have wronged people and I have had to ask for forgiveness and they have graciously extended that to me. They, I believe, have moved on and allowed our relationship to continue. If I would expect that from others, why shouldn't others expect that from me?